How to Coach Yourself and Others Popular Models for Coaching | Page 141

The result is that you may still feel annoyed or irritated
about their behaviour, but not angry or enraged. You simply
have changed your very irrational DEMAND to a very rational
Preference. The less intense emotion will allow you to become
much more creative in trying to convey your feelings to the
other person with an attempt to get them to change. Once you
downgrade the DEMAND to a simple PREFERENCE, the heat
is turned down and you can function again. After all, it is
now only a preference!
REBT has a simple exercise to help us make this adjustment,
called "the ABCs". It is used to analyze the situation and change
our thinking about it so that without trying to change external
reality, we can feel better about it.
This doesn't mean that we should never try to change external
reality- sometimes it is appropriate- it's when it isn't an
appropriate or effective response that we can choose to have a
different response instead in order to feel better. While the
ABCs are for use to help with any emotional upset, anger is
the example we will use here.
To use this ABC exercise for yourself, just pick any situation
where you were angry about someone's behaviour and take a
look and see what it is you are thinking about it that is
DEMAND-ing and irrational, and change it into something more
rational- a PREFERENCE.
It is irrational to demand that people behave in the way we
want them to! Here is an example using drunk people making a
lot of noise late at night as they pass by outside where I live.

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