How to Coach Yourself and Others Influencing, Inter Personal and Leadership Skills | Page 83

3. Wait until you’re calm.
When emotions run high, disagreements can turn personal, and that’s rarely productive.
Recognize when emotions are charged, and don’t have the conversation until you have a
cool head.
4. Be respectful.
If someone thinks you’re listening thoughtfully, they are more likely to respond in kind.
An empathetic phrase, such as “I understand how you feel,” or “I can see why this
upsets you” can go a long way.
5. Speak for yourself.
Rather than criticizing the other person, stick to expressing your own feelings and
actions (“I felt hurt when…, because …” or “I’m concerned because…”). “It’s honest and
authentic when you say how you truly view a situation,” says Jennell Evans, cofounder of
the Washington, D.C.–based consulting firm Strategic Interactions.
6. Don’t interrogate.
Try not to go on a lawyerlike attack with a litany of yes-or-no questions. This tack is
aggressive, puts the other person on the defensive, and can belittle the other person,
Zucker says.
7. State the facts.
If you have them, use them. Facts give opinions and feelings a lot more credibility. It
also helps that “they aren’t personal or emotional,” so they can help make your
disagreement constructive, Zucker says. Just make sure you really do have the facts.
At the very least, you should be able to name your source.
8. Speak to common interests.
Keep the common goal and good in mind. Remember: If an argument turns nasty,
nobody wins. Tell the person how much they mean to you and how much you value their
opinion.
9. Aim to clear the air rather than win.
In many instances, the disagreement will end in détente. Don’t try to win the argument;
it’s more important to focus on understanding why the other person thinks differently
than you do.
10. Consider compromise.
It doesn’t get you exactly what you want, but it can be an effective way for people to
overcome a disagreement and move forward. Remember: A compromise doesn’t have to
be equal to be acceptable. However, it is important for you to understand what you’re
both giving up and to be comfortable with that equation. “You don’t have to feel happy
about a compromise, but you have to feel you can live with it,” says Robin HobermanBecker, a mediator and divorce lawyer in Chicago.