How to Coach Yourself and Others Happiness Is No Accident | Page 26

What does this mean?
1.

Embarrassment doesn’t make a lot of sense. Since others are only focusing a small portion of
there thoughts onto judging you, your self-judgement is overwhelmingly larger.

People who appear to be mean or hurtful don’t usually do it intentionally. There are exceptions
to this, but generally the hurt you feel is a side-effect, not the principle cause.
3. Relationships are your job to maintain. Don’t wait to be invited to parties or for people to
approach you.
2.

Rule Two: Few Social Behaviours are Explicit
Basically this rule means that most the intentions behind our actions are hidden. If a person is
feeling depressed or angry, usually the resulting behaviours distort their true feelings. If I feel you
snubbed me, I might hold my tongue but ignore you later.
The old joke is that women use words like, “fine,” and, “go ahead,” when they really feel the
opposite. But I’ve noticed men do this too in polite situations, although often not in the same way.
The application of this rule is that you need to focus on empathy, not just hearing a person.
Demonstrate trust, build rapport and learn to probe a bit. By focusing on empathy you can usually
break away these subversions and get to the heart of the issue faster.
The other application of this rule is that most the time you feel something, nobody else knows
about it. So don’t get angry when people aren’t responding to you. If you deceive your thoughts
with your actions, don’t get angry when you fool people.
Rule Three: Behaviour is Largely Dictated by Selfish Altruism
To say everyone is completely selfish is a gross exaggeration. That ignores all the acts of kindness,
sacrifice and love that make the world work. But I would argue that most (not all, but most)
behaviour does work from the principles of selfish altruism.
Selfish altruism is basically win/win. It is where helping you directly or indirectly helps me. There
are a couple main categories where this applies:
1. Transactions - If I purchase a car, both myself and the dealer benefit. I get a vehicle, which I
want. The dealer gets money to improve his lifestyle. This is the predominant form of selfish
altruism between people who don’t have emotional bonds.
2. Familial - Blood is thicker than water. We are designed to protect people who share our genes.
This can sometimes shift towards extremely close friends and loved ones.
3. Status - Helping someone is a sign of power. Many species of primates will offer assistance as
a sign of dominance. People act similarly, offering aid to boost their self-esteem and
reputation.
4. Implied Reciprocity - Many relationships are based on the idea that if I help you, one day you
will help me as well.
Occasionally behaviour falls outside this group. Nameless heroes dying for causes that don’t help
their bloodline. Volunteers devoting their time towards humanitarian missions. But these are the
minority, whereas most actions can be explained by some form of selfish altruism.

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