How to Coach Yourself and Others Essential Knowledge For Coaching | Page 115

The intention of a directed reflection is to draw out the elements
of character that already exist for the person. The purpose is to
“tag” that inner core where belief in self lies. Try to “hear” the
following responses and note the differences.
(1) “How did you feel about that?”
(2) “You must feel good about how that turned out for you.”
(3) “It feels really good inside when you realize that you are
capable of handling things for yourself.”
The third example is a directed reflection. It is focused on the
feeling component of the experience (which is similar to the skill
of reflective listening, as in the second response above) as well as
on the character component that is being evidenced by the
person. It is this latter element that is so critical to identify in and
for the person.
We need to draw that component out in our responses and
demonstrate to the individual that he/she already is acting in
positive, useful, and constructive ways.
In the example that follows, the various components of
character, noted in Table 1, are deliberately reflected back to the
person. Each response is designed to capture a different
character component. In the example, these components are
noted in parentheses. We have discovered that it is best to use a
five-step response sequence that includes a variation of five
different components of character. This system seems to provide
a broader range of validation and is most reinforcing for the
coachee. At a minimum, a three-step system will suffice; at a
maximum, anything that exceeds five different responses
becomes overkill and begins to lose effectiveness.
In this example, a young woman is reporting what might be
termed a “negative” success. However, even in some of the
sadness about losing a relationship there are opportunities to

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