How to Coach Yourself and Others Coaching Families | Page 59

Conflict Resolution While solving differences of opinion is always challenging, it is much more challenging when it is done in the context of a conflictive relationship that is high in negativity. The following are five different ways in which families can approach or manage conflicts. Some are adaptive and some are not. In the case of drugabusing adolescents, with few exceptions, the first four tend to be ineffective, whereas the fifth tends to be effective in most situations:      Denial Avoidance Diffusion Conflict emergence without resolution Conflict emergence with resolution Denial "Denial" refers to a situation in which conflict is not allowed to emerge. Sometimes this is done by adopting the attitude that everything is all right. At other times, conflict is denied by arranging situations to avoid confrontation or establishing unwritten rules with which no one dares to disagree outwardly, regardless of how they feel. The classic denial case is the one in which the family says: "We have no problems." Avoidance "Avoidance" refers to a situation in which conflict begins to emerge but is stopped, covered up, or inhibited in some way that prevents it from emerging. Examples of avoidance include postponing ("Let's not have a fight now."), humor ("You're so cute when you're mad."), minimizing ("That's not really important."), and inhibiting ("Let's not argue; you know what can happen."). Diffusion "Diffusion" refers to situations in which conflict begins to emerge, but discussion about the conflict is diverted in another direction. This diversion prevents conflict resolution by distracting the family's attention away from the original conflict. This change of subject is often framed as a personal attack against the person who raised the original issue. For example, a mother says to her husband, "I don't like it when you get home late," but the husband changes the topic by responding: "What kind of mother are you anyway, letting your son stay home from school today when he is not even sick!" 59