How to Coach Yourself and Others Coaching Families | Page 107

Emotional distance
This pattern is consistently associated with the others. People distance from each other to reduce the
intensity of the relationship, but risk becoming too isolated.
The basic relationship patterns result in family tensions coming to rest in certain parts of the family. The
more anxiety one person or one relationship absorbs, the less other people must absorb. This means that
some family members maintain their functioning at the expense of others. People do not want to hurt each
other, but when anxiety chronically dictates behaviour, someone usually suffers for it.
Example:
The tensions generated by Michael and Martha's interactions lead to emotional distance between them and
to an anxious focus on Amy. Amy reacts to her parents' emotional over involvement with her by making
immature demands on them, particularly on her mother.
[Analysis: A parent's emotional over involvement with a child programs the child to be as emotionally
focused on the parent as the parent is on the child and to react intensely to real or imagined signs of
withdrawal by the parent.]
When Amy was four years old, Martha got pregnant again. She wanted another child, but soon began to
worry about whether she could meet the emotional needs of two children. Would Amy be harmed by feeling
left out? Martha worried about telling Amy that she would soon have a little brother or sister, wanting to put
off dealing with her anticipated reaction as long as possible. Michael thought it was silly but went along
with Martha. He was outwardly supportive about the pregnancy, he too wanted another child, but he worried
about Martha's ability to cope.
[Analysis: Martha externalizes her anxiety onto Amy rather than onto her husband or rather than
internalizing it. Michael avoids conflict with Martha by supporting the focus on Amy and avoids dealing
with his own anxieties by focusing on Martha's coping abilities.]
Apart from her fairly intense anxieties about Amy, Martha's second pregnancy was easier than the first. A
daughter, Marie, was born without complications. This time Michael took more time away from work to
help at home, feeling and seeing that Martha seemed "on the edge." He took over many household duties
and was even more directive of Martha.
Martha was obsessed with Amy feeling displaced by Marie and gave in even more to Amy's demands for
attention. Martha and Amy began to get into struggles over how available Martha could be to her. When
Michael would get home at night, he would take Amy off her mother's hands and entertain her. He also
began feeling neglected himself and quite disappointed in Martha's lack of coping ability..
Martha had done some drinking before she married Michael and after Amy was born, but stopped
completely during the pregnancy with Marie. When Marie was a few months old, however, Martha began
drinking again, mostly wine during the evenings, and much more than in the past. She somewhat tried to
cover up the amount of drinking she did, feeling Michael would be critical of it. He was. He accused her of
not trying, not caring, and being selfish. Martha felt he was right. She felt less and less able to make
decisions and more and more dependent on Michael. She felt he deserved better, but also resented his
criticism and patronizing. She drank more, even during the day. Michael began calling her an alcoholic.
[Analysis: The pattern of sickness in a spouse has emerged, with Martha as the one making the most
adjustments in her functioning to preserve harmony in the marriage. It is easier for Martha to be the problem
than to stand up to Michael's diagnosing her and, besides, she feels she really is the problem.
As the pattern unfolds, Michael increasingly over functions and Martha increasingly under functions.
Michael is as allergic to conflict as Martha is, opting to function for her rather than risk the disharmony he
would trigger by expecting her to function more responsibly.]
By the time Amy and Marie were both in school, Mar F