How to Coach Yourself and Others Coaching Families | Page 105

Example:
Michael and Martha were extremely happy during the first two years of their marriage. Michael liked
making major decisions and Martha felt comforted by Michael's "strength." After some difficulty getting
pregnant, Martha conceived during the third year of the marriage, but it was a difficult pregnancy. She was
quite nauseous during the first trimester and developed blood pressure and weight gain problems as the
pregnancy progressed. She talked frequently to Michael of her insecurities about being a mother. Michael
was patient and reassuring, but also began to feel critical of Martha for being "childlike."
[Analysis: The pregnancy places more pressure on Martha and on the marital relationship. Michael is
outwardly supportive of Martha but is reactive to hearing about her anxieties. He views her as having a
problem.]
A female infant was born after a long labor. They named her Amy. Martha was exhausted and not ready to
leave the hospital when her doctor discharged her. Over the next few months, she felt increasingly
overwhelmed and extremely anxious about the well-being of the young baby. She looked to Michael for
support, but he was getting home from the office later and Martha felt that he was critical of her problems
coping and that he dismissed her worries about the child. There was much less time together for just
Michael and Martha and, when there was time, Michael ruminated about work problems. Martha became
increasingly preoccupied with making sure her growing child did not develop the insecurities she had. She
tried to do this by being as attentive as she could to Amy and consistently reinforcing her accomplishments.
It was easier for Martha to focus on Amy than it was for her to talk to Michael. She reacted intensely to his
real and imagined criticisms of her. Michael and Martha spent more and more of their time together
discussing Amy rather than talking about their marriage.
[Analysis: Martha is the most uncomfortable with the increased tension in the marriage. The growing
emotional distance in the marriage is balanced by Martha getting overly involved with Amy and Michael
getting overly involved with his work. Michael is in the outside position in the parental triangle and Martha
and Amy are in the inside positions.]
As Amy grew, she made increasing demands on her mother's time. Martha felt she could not give Amy
enough time, that Amy would never be satisfied. Michael agreed with Martha that Amy was too selfish and
resented Amy's temper tantrums when she did not get her way. However, if Michael got too critical of Amy,
Martha would defend Amy, telling Michael he was exaggerating. Yet, whenever tensions developed
between Martha and Amy, Martha would press Michael to spend more time with Amy to reassure her that
she was loved. He gave into Martha's pleas, but inwardly felt that they were following a policy of
appeasement that was making Amy more demanding. Michael felt that if Martha had his maturity, Amy
would be less of a problem, but, despite this attitude, Michael usually followed Martha's lead in relationship
to Amy.
[Analysis: When tension builds between Martha and Amy, Michael sides with Martha by agreeing that Amy
is the problem. The conflictual side of the triangle then shifts from between Martha and Amy to between
Michael and Amy. If the conflict gets too intense between Michael and Amy, Martha sides with Amy, the
conflict shifts into the marriage, and Amy gains the more comfortable outside position.]

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