How to Coach Yourself and Others Coaching Families | Page 62

process of establishing a therapeutic relationship. Inexperienced family counselors often take the side of one
family member against another, behaving as though one were right and the other were obviously wrong. In
establishing relationships with the family, the counselor must join all family members, not just those with
whom he or she agrees. In fact, frequently, the person with whom it is most critical to establish an alliance
or bond is the most powerful and unlikable family member.
Many counselors in the drug abuse field feel somewhat hopeless about helping the families of drug-abusing
youths because these families have many serious problems. Counselors who feel this way may find a
discussion about becoming a member of the family unhelpful because their previous efforts to change
families have been unsuccessful. BSFT teaches counselors how to succeed by approaching families as
insiders, not as outsiders. As outsiders, counselors typically attempt to force change on the family, often
through confrontation. However, the counselor who has learned how to become part of the system and to
work with families from the inside should seldom need to be confrontational. Confrontation erodes the
rapport and trust that the counselor has worked hard to earn. Confrontation can change the family's
perception of the counselor as being an integral part of the therapeutic system to being an outsider.
The Price of Failed Joining
An example may help illustrate what is meant by powerful family members. The court system referred a
family to counseling because its oldest child had behavior problems. The mother was willing to come to
counseling with her son, but the mother's live-in boyfriend did not want the family to be in counseling. The
counselor advised the mother to come to therapy with the adolescent anyway. The boyfriend felt that his
position of power had been threatened by the potential alliance between the mother and the counselor. As a
result, the boyfriend reasserted himself, demanding that she stop participating in counseling. She then
dropped out of counseling. This is clearly a case in which the counselor's early challenge of the family's way
of "operating" caused the entire family to drop out of treatment. The counselor could and should have been
more aware and respectful of the family's existing power structure. Respect, in this case, does not mean that
the counselor approves of or agrees with the boyfriend's behavior. Rather, it means that the counselor
understands how this family is organized and works his or her way into the family through the existing
structure.
A more adaptive counseling strategy might be to call the mother's boyfriend, with the mother's permission,
to recognize his position of power in the family and request his help with his girlfriend's son.
A Cautionary Note: Family Secrets
As was already stated, joining is about establishing a relationship with every member of the family.
Sometimes a family member will try to sabotage the joining process by using family secrets. Some secrets
can cause the counselor such serious problems that he or she is forced to refer the family he or she had
intended to help to another counselor. Secrets are best dealt with up front. The counselor should not allow
himself or herself to get trapped in a special relationship with one family member that is based on sharing a
secret that the other family members do not know. A counselor who keeps a secret is caught between family
members. The counselor has formed an alliance with one family member to the exclusion of others. In some
cases, it is not just an alliance with one family member but also an alliance with one family member against
another family member. It means that the family member with the secret can blackmail the counselor with
the threat of revealing that the counselor knows this secret and didn't address it with the family.
Consequently, a family secret is a very effective strategy that family members can use to sabotage the
treatment, if counselors let them.
For these reasons, counselors should make it a rule to announce to each family at the onset of counseling
that he or she will not keep secrets. The counselor should also say that if anyone shares special information
with the counselor, the counselor will help them share it with the appropriate people in the family. For
example, if a wife calls and tells the counselor that she is having an affair, her spouse will need to know,
although the children do not need to know the parents' marital issues. In this case, the counselor would say,
"This affair is indicative of a problem in your marriage. Let me help you share it with your husband." The
counselor must do whatever is needed to continue to help the wife see that affairs are symptoms of marital
problems. The affair can be reframed as a cry for help, a call for action, or a basic discontent. If so, these
marital issues or problems need to be discussed.

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