How to Coach Yourself and Others Coaching Families | Page 126
In addition to noting the unique positions of only children and twins, Toman focused on ten power/sex
positions:
1. the oldest brother of brothers;
2. the youngest brother of brothers;
3. the oldest brother of sisters;
4. the youngest brother of sisters;
5. the male only child;
6 – 10 and the same five configurations for females in relation to sisters and brothers.
Under this conceptualization, the best possible marriage, for example, is hypothesized to be the oldest
brother of sisters marrying the youngest sister of brothers; in this arrangement, both parties would enter the
marriage with similar expectations about power and gender relationships. Conversely, the worst marriage
would occur between the oldest brother of brothers and the oldest sister of sisters. In this case, both parties
would seek and want power positions, and neither would have had enough childhood experience with the
other sex to have adequate gender relationships.
Toman supported his hypothesis by noting that the divorce rate among couples comprised of two oldest
children was higher than any other set of birth positions. The absence of divorce, however, is not the same
as a happy marriage. When we consider the critical traits in a happy marriage, his predictions based on birth
order start to lose credibility. Happiness in coupling or marriage is demonstrably more related to attitudinal
and behavioural interactions within the spousal system—especially during periods of family stress—than to
birth order (Gottman, 1994, Walsh, 2003).
Guerin (2002) discussed the importance of what he called the “sibling cohesion factor” (p. 135), especially
when there were more than two children in the sibling subsystem, allowing for triangles to form. The
sibling cohesion factor is the capacity of the children within the sibling subsystem to meet without their
parents and discuss important family issues, including their evaluation of their parents. Healthier families
tend to have this factor as part of the family process; the lack of it suggests to Guerin that there is intense
triangulation between the parents and children.
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