How to Coach Yourself and Others Coaching and Counseling in Difficult Circumstances | Page 108

This book is in B&W, not color - Print page in Grayscale for Correct view! b. "because I am (needing) 4. Specific, Present, Doable Requests (detailed, ideally 40 words or less) a. a. Clearly requesting that which would enrich my life and the life of my community without demanding. The concrete actions I would like to be taken. b. b. “Would you be willing to…” Violence Provoking or Life-Alienating Communication At the base of all violence is a kind of thinking that attributes the cause of conflict to wrongness of others, with a corresponding inability to think in terms of vulnerabilities (what one feels, fears, yearns for, and misses). Violence comes out of fear and a belief that some people deserve certain treatment. Jackal encourages this -kind of thinking by incorporating the following into our everyday language: A. Diagnosing (instead of respecting): Judging and implying wrongness or badness of those who don't share or live up to one's values. Note that it is important to have and make value judgments, i.e., determinations of what one values. Moralistic judgments such as the following are violence provoking. 1. Name calling, fault finding, criticism, put downs, or praise 2. 2. Evaluations, interpretations, analysis, diagnoses, labels (classifications . keep one from seeing the humanness and individualness in others) 3. 3. Concept of deserve (certain actions or people deserve punishment, others deserve reward, e.g. merit recognition) 4. 4. Any shame inducing language or behaviour. B. Denying Responsibility (instead of taking responsibility): Blaming others or attributing the cause of one's own actions and feelings to external causes. 1. 1. Blaming others for how one feels, rather than recognizing that feelings are caused by whether or not one's needs are being met, for example: a. a. Saying, "you made me mad," to someone who arrived late. b. b. Believing that someone "hurt you" when they forgot your birthday. 2. 2. Obscuring choice by using words that blame others for one's actions. a. a. Dictates of authority ("I lied because the boss told me to.") b. b. Other's actions ("I hit my child because he ran in the street.") c. c. Vague forces ("I cleaned my room because I had to.") d. d. A diagnosis ("I drink because I am an alcoholic.") e. e. Group pressure ("I smoke because all my friends do.") f. f. Rules, laws, policies, regulations ("I have to suspend you for this infraction because it's the school policy.") g. g. Social or sex roles ("I can't throw a ball because I'm a girl.") h. h. Uncontrollable impulses ("An urge to eat overcame me.") 3. Any guilt inducing language or behaviour. For [email protected] Property of Bookemon, do NOT distribute 110