trimester and what kind emotional roller
coaster it could bring.
Being proactive, I talked to my obgyn
about my history and my concerns, and
started seeing my therapist again. Knowing that stress can induce depression, I
attempted to balance my life to reduce the
stress as much as possible. And yet, I still
felt the familiar darkness begin to creep in.
I struggled during my entire pregnancy
with a depression that only got worse
the closer I got to my due date. I was
so angry, and tired, and sore, and quite
honestly, secretly afraid that I would never
connect with this baby. There was nothing
about the pregnancy that I enjoyed, and I
had grown a resentment towards the one
thing that had caused all of of my pain. So
much so, that I had told the nurses not to
lay him on my chest after he was born.
After a little encouragement during delivery however, I relented, and my sweet
little boy was placed just above my heart.
He was slimy, squirming, and crying, but
he was all mine. He opened his eyes and
calmed right down as I offered him my
finger to grasp. I felt my heart soften as
he wrapped his tiny little hand around my
own. It was absolute love.
I wish I could tell you that was the end of
my story. That my depression faded away
as my love for him grew more and more
everyday, but unfortunately that isn’t the
case. A year later I still take an anti depressant (approved for breastfeeding
moms). I see a therapist weekly. And I
struggle daily. The best medicine for me,
though, has been to keep my babe close.
As much as the snuggling, on demand
nursing, and babywearing has been for
the baby’s benefit, the comfort it’s brought
me has helped immensely to keep my depression and anxiety in check. And while
some days it’s still hard to get out of bed
in the morning, I have three beautiful reasons who remind me why I do.
Every story is different; this one is mine. If
you yourself feel like you may be experiencing postpartum depression, I urge you
to reach out to your own doctor or a mental health professional. Just like each experience may vary, so will every treatment
plan. The first step, however, is always the
same. Ask for help. ✴
102 | Holl & Lane, Issue 3