protection with. Out of all of these faces, just one left her abuser for good.
Just one clung onto the heavy handle of freedom and chose to believe that there was more to life then just riding the merry-go-round of living in the world of nightmares and being trapped in the cycle of abuse. Just one chose to believe the truth: that God had life and life abundantly for her but she needed to crawl out of the darkness and into the light. Five years, dozens of faces and just one left the darkness.
My heart started breaking and by this point I was weeping so heavily I couldn’t see or breathe. My mind was racing, panicking, “I have to get tissues.” “I have to get up.” “I have to walk away from this grief.” I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror but instead of seeing myself I was seeing all of their faces – all their desperation, all their fear.
My mind was replaying each look they had given me. Expressions and body language that said, “Please tell me I’m not crazy.” “Please tell me this isn’t normal.” “Please tell me I’m not in sin and God will still love me if I leave the person I married.” But the words they said. The words I heard were excruciatingly different, “I can’t leave.” “I can’t give up on my marriage.” “I wont be able to live without my spouse.” “I have no one else, I can’t do it on my own.” “He’ll kill himself if I go.” “I still love him.” “God hates divorce.”
My heart became so heavy I couldn’t even stand. My chest was pulling me down and I had to rest my forearms on the counter to keep my shaking legs up. I started to think about my own pain, my own abuse. How I was living in Hell with my abusive ex-husband. Every day. Every moment. Relentless abuse. Relentless manipulation. Relentless suffering.
I asked God, “Why?” “Why all this pain?” “What good is my story doing?” “One girl out of dozens?” “Only one?!” Then I started to think about how much His heart is breaking, every moment, every day, outside of time. I have grieved over dozens He grieves millions, if not billions!
I realized I wasn’t alone in this moment of extreme grief and weeping caused by embracing mercy’s radical love and clear sight into the heart. In the Old Testament we see prophets who wept over Israel, God’s people. His chosen people who were held captive and in bondage by the sin they chose to live with. The prophets God charged to proclaim the truth and allowed them to feel every ounce of the weight over the hardness of Israel’s heart. With knowledge of the truth comes a deep mourning over the suffering. I am not alone; I am standing with them.
I am not alone. The greatest, most powerful yet most merciful man to ever be, Jesus Christ, wept bitterly over Jerusalem. The pain He felt was crushing and overwhelming. Longing for them to open their eyes and see their savior, their Messiah. Desperately wishing that He could scoop them into His arms and save them from the pain like a mother hen does for her little chicks. But they stayed. They chose bondage and the Father’s heart is crushed. I am not alone; I am standing with Him.
In that moment I felt closer to my Savior then ever before. He shares in the suffering of the entire world every minute of the day, I had 20 minutes sharing in His.