Little did I know at this time I was pregnant. I found out I was pregnant, when I took a pregnancy test to confirm that I was having a miscarriage.
I was admitted to the hospital, because the doctor was worried that I was having internal bleeding. I was laying in the hospital bed, as weak as could be stuck with IV's, and I heard the questions again.
Do you trust me?
And without skipping a beat I said Yes, God, yes I do. Because that is all I knew how to do at that point. I trusted that He was good even if my circumstance wasn’t. I rested in peace, even in the pain, because I knew that His love was deeper than the heart ache I was going through.
Even though I was clinging to my God who I believed was faithful, I was angry at the enemy for taking something that would have become a part of our family. He had gone too far this time. He had taken too much. I said, I don't know how, but when I get better, I am going to fight you and fight you harder than ever before.
I knew I had to strengthen myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually (and let me tell you, that was a long road) but soon the anger turned into a passion that birthed "Fair Warrior", a retreat that I lead, which ended up ministering to 165 women. It was on the retreat that I stood in front of the women while 16 weeks pregnant with my daughter, Olivia (now 20 months old) and shared my testimony of God loving my family and I through the deep valley with faithfulness.
About a year later there was a baptism service at our church and one of the young women who got baptized shared that she had given her life to Christ on the “Fair Warrior” weekend. I couldn’t stop the tears, I was so overwhelmed with His faithfulness. I had prayed that losing the baby that wouldn’t be in vain, especially since I never got the chance to celebrate the life that was growing in me. I prayed that the pain would bring new life. I hoped that women would be inspired to have faith in the battle, steadfastness through the pain, and joy in the brokenness.
I went up to her after the service and told her how truly that in death there is new life. And that new life continuing to bring forth new life. At this year’s retreat “Everything Beautiful” she was the one who gave her testimony. She shared her story with joy, and out of a genuine love for Jesus. And that night, at least 12 women stood to make the declaration that they wanted to follow Jesus.
Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” Psalm 91: 1-2
Do you trust Him? Are you resting in trust under the shadow of His wing? Are you believing that even in the pain, He is there, and that what you are walking through won’t be in vain? Do you have faith in the battle that God really will win, when we rest in Him and when we bring Him our brokenness in trust knowing that He makes everything beautiful in His time?
If we are honest, there is something in all of our lives where we can say God, I don't trust you on this. What is it? God speaks to the listening heart, and He grants the desires of the heart that seek