God has asked me that question a few times over the years. But after my son Charlie was born, it was more than normal.
After he was born I had numerous dreams of terrorist attacks. At first the attacks were far away, but as the dreams continued the attacks got closer and closer to home. The last one I had was the worst. There was an attack on the building across from where I worked. I was there with Charlie, as men with guns were in the building trying to shoot him. And there I was doing everything I could do to protect my son from the men.
Did you catch what I said there? I was doing everything I could do. I wasn’t leaning into His strength when I was weak, I was trying to do it all on my own.
And there was the root of the problem, there was the root of why God kept asking me if I trust Him. It was a question He already knew the answer to.
The answer was not really, or in other words, no.
I wanted to rest in the shadow of the Almighty on this, and tell Him "I trust you.". But I didn’t, because I thought I could do it all in my strength. Over the following weeks and months I began reading the Psalms and the dreams eventually went away. I chose the Psalms specifically because they are packed with solid heartfelt scripture mostly written by David who is described as a man after God's own heart and I desire to be a woman after God's heart. I wanted to be so sure of Him and who He is that I can answer that questions "yes, I trust you".
One verse that stuck with me was Psalm 4:8 " I will both lie down in peace, and sleep; For You alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety." It is a verse that I have returned to often as it is peace for my troubled soul that the Lord is the One in whom I can trust.
Beautiful one, hear me on this. There is always a reason that He takes you on a journey to build your faith and trust in Him. It was a few months after this where God made it evident why He wanted to build my trust in Him.
It began with finding an article by Disney Baby on Facebook about nontraditional baby names. I am not sure why I actually opened the article as we were not planning on trying for another child for quite a while, but I did. It was there that I came across the name Finley. It was the meaning of the name that struck me. Fair Warrior. To me the meaning encompassed strength with gentleness, bravery with kindness, steadfastness with beauty, faith in the battle, joy in the brokenness.
Hmmm. Maybe in the future I will have a girl and name her Finley.
A few nights later, I had a dream that I gave birth to a little girl named Finley. She was beautiful. She resembled Charlie especially in her eyes, but with darker hair. I am guessing she was about 3 in the dream.