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2.7.2 Shame and stereotypes
KEY TO KNOW
Male gender stereotypes tend to inhibit expression of emotion : they assert that boys don ’ t cry , that men are strong and silent , etc . The stereotype that men should be able to defend themselves can also encourage self-blame and guilt . For these reasons , men who have survived sexual violence may find it particularly difficult to recognise , articulate , and share the reactions they experience afterwards .
“ Male gender stereotypes tend to inhibit expression of emotion : they assert that boys don ’ t cry , that men are strong and silent , etc . The stereotype that men should be able to defend themselves can also encourage self-blame and guilt . For these reasons , men who have survived sexual violence may find it particularly difficult to recognise , articulate , and share the reactions they experience afterwards .”
As noted , guilt for permitting an abuser to do what he wanted can also be deepened if the survivor became erect or ejaculated during the abuse . Helpers may need to explain to survivors that arousal is a physiological response to stimulation and does not imply desire or consent . It is not his body , but the abuser , who betrayed the survivor .
Sometimes survivors can be ashamed because they survived whereas others did not (“ survivor guilt ”). Survivors are tormented by questions such as “ Why did I survive ?” and “ Why did I not do more to save others ?” 49 Grief for the death of others is a normal response , but support should be offered if it affects a survivor ’ s ability to function . Helpers can assure the survivor that he did all he could and is not to blame for what happened . Further professional help should be offered if grief and selfrecrimination lead to loss of sleep , loss of interest , guilt , failures of concentration , increase or loss of appetite , lack of energy , or suicidal thoughts .
2.7.3 Shame and taboo
Sexual violence and sexual abuse are taboo subjects . Because sexual victimhood is associated with shame , subjugation and powerlessness , the subject is difficult to talk about . Many male survivors are afraid ( often with justification ) that they will not be believed or will be held responsible for the acts they were forced to submit to . Helpers should therefore make clear that they believe what the survivor has told them and encourage him to understand that he was not complicit in his abuse . It can also be helpful to tell survivors that guilt and shame are common and foreseeable reactions to abuse and trauma . Once again , the starting point is that it is never the survivor of abuse who is guilty and that it is the abuser who should feel shame and guilt . Nevertheless , this discussion is not always easy . Psychological education , metaphors and stories , role play , and group discussion can all be helpful . It is also helpful to remind survivors that all humans show the same physical and psychological reactions to danger and threat : to the survivor , his feelings of guilt and shame feel deeply personal , but in this respect they are not .
Several studies have shown that male survivors who have been assaulted tend to feel the need to behave in a more masculine way . This may be a response to being robbed of masculinity ; it signals to others and the survivor that he remains “ man enough ”. The pursuit of robbed masculinity takes several expressions . Some abused men wonder whether the abuse was a form of punishment for being insufficiently masculine . Others become preoccupied with cultivating a muscular body and a more masculine appearance ( by tattooing themselves or adopting a deeper voice or a masculine gait ). 50 Overall , male survivors adopt numerous explicit and subconscious strategies to manage or articulate their guilt and shame , or sense of vulnerability .