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They are likely to feel supported if a helper listens to them attentively . However , it is important not to pressure anyone to tell you what has happened to them . You may need to practise not talking too much ; train yourself to tolerate silence . Be aware that many male survivors need time and support to talk about sensitive and difficult experiences . And that boys and men may lack language to describe their feelings or what has happened to them .
• Hone your non-verbal skills . Be aware of both your words and body language , including facial expressions , eye contact , gestures , and how you sit or stand in relation to the survivor . Speak and behave in ways that take into account the survivor ’ s age , culture , gender identity , social customs , and religion .
• Regulate your concern . Try to understand the survivor ’ s experiences and feelings , but do not claim you know exactly what they were . Do not get too involved in his feelings . Do not confuse them with your own .
• Praise openness . Very often a male survivor has been ordered by the perpetrator not to speak about what has happened . To speak , he must deal with many feelings : fear of punishment by the perpetrator ; possible feelings of betrayal ; shame and guilt ; fear the helper may refuse to listen , or may disbelieve or condemn what he says . If a survivor starts to talk , therefore , be patient , listen attentively , and recognise and praise his courage in speaking .
• Validate . The survivor needs a witness to make his experience feel real . Your validation is very important . He needs to hear : “ Yes , this happened to you ”.
• Put aside your personal values . If you have strong convictions ( that every perpetrator must go to jail , that the survivor should have been able to defend himself , that men always want sex ), these may not be the best interest of the survivor who is talking to you . You must put your personal attitudes aside .
• Consider carefully the advice you give . Giving advice means telling a survivor what to do and what not to do . All helpers will feel tempted to give advice , but often it is not appropriate to do so . You should know the difference between giving advice and providing necessary information ( for example , about legal services , or other forms of referral that might be helpful ).
KEY TO KNOW
Remember that , if the survivor prefers not to talk about the trauma , this must not stop the helper from trying to provide support .