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4.3 Relationship and intimacy
Aim . To help a child to appropriately regulate its closeness to and distance from other people .
A child that has been exposed to sexual abuse can find it difficult to regulate personal space and distance from other people , because it has a history of being invaded and losing control over its own body . Intimacy can be closely associated with abuse . Many abused children struggle with physical regulation and becomes easily overwhelmed by bodily sensations . They may find it difficult to recognise their own needs and to disclose their needs to others . Some children have adopted a submissive survival strategy because it helped them to reduce the confusion and pain they felt when they were abused . Some children who have been abused sexually will seek intimate contact , almost inviting to sexual contact , as a way to predict or control situations . Others avoid intimacy , and react aggressively or by escaping if someone moves too close to them . Some children oscillate between these states , at one moment seeking intimacy , and the next rejecting it . Changes can be sudden and confusing , both for the child and caregivers . Caregivers and others therefore need to be sensitive and help the child to regulate personal space and distance so that it can acquire experience of being safe with others . Parallel activities ( reading together , watching films together , taking car journeys together ) can establish distances that these children tolerate . Abused children can be very sensitive to eye contact .
HELP AND ACTION
Advice on safe physical contact
• Make sure that all physical contact is safe .
• Be aware of possible triggers in relation to physical and emotional intimacy .
• Teach the child about boundaries and safe touch . One exercise is to draw a circle around the body and talk about intimacy zones . “ This is your space . No-one who you do not want to be close to you can enter this circle .”
• When children are sensitive about physical contact , teach them about safe touch in nontriggering situations , such as sports and play .
• Test safe touch on less intimate parts of the body , for example by massaging hands and feet . Wrap the child in warm or heavy blankets . Give the child a footbath . Resting in a hammock can also feel safe .
• Be alert to the child ’ s signals . Check regularly whether the child feels comfortable and adjust your distance if it does not .
• Talk about potentially risky situations . How can the child be protected ? What can the child do to feel safer ?