Health & Wellness Magazine Live + Thrive Magazine - Summer 2018 | Page 11

Vanessa Van Edwards is lead investigator at the Science of People—a human behavior research lab.
She is the national bestselling author of Captivate: The Science of Succeeding With People, which
was chosen as one of Apple’s Most Anticipated Books of 2017. She writes a monthly column on
the science of success for Entrepreneur Magazine and the Huffington Post. Scienceofpeople.com
You should use this if:
• You worry that they will not accept a break
• They will not be honest if you have The Talk
• They are bad with boundaries
• You hate confrontation
This method is less direct — so it’s not my favorite, BUT it can help gently end a
relationship or avoid hurting someone’s feelings. The slow back away is usually done
by just being "too busy" and "too hard to reach." I hate writing this, but the goal
here is to have a gentle easing in the relationship. You want them to slowly get the
message that you want a different kind of relationship. You don’t want to hurt their
feelings. You want them to save face.
RECOMMENDATIONS:
• Text instead of call
• Engage less on social media
• Take longer to respond to texts
• Respond with shorter texts
• Get together in less intimate settings
• Get together for shorter, more casual occasions
• Be too busy to get together
**Again, this is my least favorite because it feels the least honest. But
sometimes it is the nicest way to break up with someone.
OPTION #4: THE BURST
There comes a point in some unhealthy, unfulfilling relationships where the
friendship bubble needs bursting. The lies. The faking it. The pretending
everything is fine. It needs to stop. I believe friendship breakups should be
treated EXACTLY like a romantic breakup. Something like:
Hey, I know we have had trouble getting together over the last few months. I
think that is mostly my fault. I have been pulling away. I think last year when
X happened, it really hurt my feelings. I have not been able to get over it. I
know you are a great person and have been a wonderful friend, but I think
our relationship has changed. I do not think we can salvage it with so much
that has gone on. I am sorry.
RECOMMENDATIONS:
• State needs that are not being met
• Be gentle and kind
• Talk about how you feel
• Don’t assign blame
• Don’t make excuses
This is incredibly hard. I know it. But I think that if you feel you have to end a
relationship, you have to clear the way. When we say no to relationships that
don’t serve us, we make room for relationships that do.
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