Health & Wellness Magazine J Lancer Magazine Summer 2018 | Page 11

Vanessa Van Edwards is lead investigator at the Science of People—a human behavior research lab. She is the national bestselling author of Captivate: The Science of Succeeding With People, which was chosen as one of Apple’s Most Anticipated Books of 2017. She writes a monthly column on the science of success for Entrepreneur Magazine and the Huffington Post. Scienceofpeople.com You should use this if: • • You worry that they will not accept a break They will not be honest if you have The Talk • • They are bad with boundaries You hate confrontation This method is less direct — so it’s not my favorite, BUT it can help gently end a relationship or avoid hurting someone’s feelings. The slow back away is usually done by just being "too busy" and "too hard to reach." I hate writing this, but the goal here is to have a gentle easing in the relationship. You want them to slowly get the message that you want a different kind of relationship. You don’t want to hurt their feelings. You want them to save face. RECOMMENDATIONS: • • • • • • • Text instead of call Engage less on social media Take longer to respond to texts Respond with shorter texts Get together in less intimate settings Get together for shorter, more casual occasions Be too busy to get together **Again, this is my least favorite because it feels the least honest. But sometimes it is the nicest way to break up with someone. OPTION #4: THE BURST There comes a point in some unhealthy, unfulfilling relationships where the friendship bubble needs bursting. The lies. The faking it. The pretending everything is fine. It needs to stop. I believe friendship breakups should be treated EXACTLY like a romantic breakup. Something like: Hey, I know we have had trouble getting together over the last few months. I think that is mostly my fault. I have been pulling away. I think last year when X happened, it really hurt my feelings. I have not been able to get over it. I know you are a great person and have been a wonderful friend, but I think our relationship has changed. I do not think we can salvage it with so much that has gone on. I am sorry. RECOMMENDATIONS: • • • • • State needs that are not being met Be gentle and kind Talk about how you feel Don’t assign blame Don’t make excuses This is incredibly hard. I know it. But I think that if you feel you have to end a relationship, you have to clear the way. When we say no to relationships that don’t serve us, we make room for relationships that do. 11