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LET ME explain a people puzzle that has always perplexed me : It ’ s OK to date . It ’ s OK to define a romantic relationship . It ’ s OK to re-evaluate a partnership . It ’ s OK to breakup . It ’ s hard in romantic relationships , but it is OK — if not essential to be able to date around and then break up when it doesn ’ t work out .
Why is this not OK with friendships ? Why can ’ t I date friends ? Why do I feel so bad wanting to re-evaluate friendships ? Why do I feel silly trying to label some friends as ‘ best ’ friends ?
WHY DO I FEEL SO , SO , SO BAD BREAKING UP WITH FRIENDS ?
In romantic relationships we have breakups all the time — it is considered an important part of finding the right partner . But could you imagine saying to a new friend :
“ Um yeah . It ’ s been great seeing each other . But I just don ’ t think we are meant to be . I want to friend breakup . It ’ s not you , it ’ s me .”
No way . I can ’ t imagine it . But here ’ s the thing : Sometimes we have to breakup with friends . Stomp out toxic relationships . See if you have one of these before moving on : This is one of the hardest articles I have EVER written . Partially because it is personal to me …
I have been broken up with by a best friend and it broke my heart . I recently had to break up with a friend and it felt like death . It is very rarely talked about .
OK , so here I am going to try to make the best of this bad situation . Here ’ s how you know you need to break up with a friend …
HOW TO KNOW IF YOU NEED A BREAK UP :
There are warning signs that a friendship needs to end . Here they are :
• You dread seeing them
• You feel they undermine you more than support you
• There is deception in the relationship — they lie to you
• There is self-deception in the relationship — one of you is lying to yourself
• You have grown apart and the relationship is dragging on like a slowly dying animal
Any of these feel familiar ? Keep reading . OPTION # 1 : THE TALK
You know how in romantic relationships you have “ The Talk ?” That Talk is the pinnacle of nerves , awkwardness and sometimes resolution . The Talk usually has a number of goals :
• To clarify boundaries
• To define a relationship
• To see where each person stands
• To talk about a future
Here ’ s the great thing about having “ The Talk ” with friends — it can initiate a breakup talk , it can prepare someone for an imminent breakup or it can resolve having to break up at all .
You owe it to your friendship to put it all out on the table . The entire goal of The Talk is to bring everything to the surface :
• Hidden resentments
• Miscommunications
• Old fights
• Jealousy
• Misunderstandings
• Boundaries RECOMMENDATIONS :
• I recommend doing this in person — do not initiate over text or chat ! Everything is better , clearer and easier in person .
• Go with a goal in mind — do you want to clear something up ? Do you want to address something ? What would your ideal outcome be ?
OPTION # 2 : THE BREAK
I think friendships sometimes need breaks . Especially if you just had a very difficult talk , you might need some time away . Breaks can serve to :
• Give you a fresh perspective
• Calm down
• Miss each other
• Re-evaluate
Here ’ s the nice thing about breaks — you can take them for whatever reason you are most comfortable with :
It ’ s Me : You can say that you are really busy and need time .
It ’ s You : If you feel hurt by your friend ’ s actions , if you feel there has been jealousy or undermining — you can say you need time to recover .
It ’ s Us : Especially after a hard talk , you can tell a friend that you need some distance for both of you to re-evaluate .
RECOMMENDATIONS :
• I do recommend adding a time component to your break . This will help if you have someone who is not good with boundaries . It will also give you time to re-evaluate without wondering if you should text or contact . Just like a romantic relationship , defined space can let you take a step back .
• The terms of your break can be flexible or rigid . You can say , let ’ s talk again in two weeks . You can say , let ’ s see how we feel and check in when we feel we are ready .
OPTION # 3 : THE SLOW BACK AWAY
Let ’ s say you are in a one-sided friendship or you are friends with someone who is not good with boundaries . Then you might not be able to have the talk or an official break . In this way , you can try the slow back away .
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