Vanessa Van Edwards is lead investigator at the Science of People—a human behavior research lab.
She is the national bestselling author of Captivate: The Science of Succeeding With People, which
was chosen as one of Apple’s Most Anticipated Books of 2017. She writes a monthly column on
the science of success for Entrepreneur Magazine and the Huffington Post. Scienceofpeople.com
You should use this if:
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• You worry that they will not accept a break
They will not be honest if you have The Talk
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• They are bad with boundaries
You hate confrontation
This method is less direct — so it’s not my favorite, BUT it can help gently end a
relationship or avoid hurting someone’s feelings. The slow back away is usually done
by just being "too busy" and "too hard to reach." I hate writing this, but the goal
here is to have a gentle easing in the relationship. You want them to slowly get the
message that you want a different kind of relationship. You don’t want to hurt their
feelings. You want them to save face.
RECOMMENDATIONS:
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Text instead of call
Engage less on social media
Take longer to respond to texts
Respond with shorter texts
Get together in less intimate settings
Get together for shorter, more casual occasions
Be too busy to get together
**Again, this is my least favorite because it feels the least honest. But sometimes
it is the nicest way to break up with someone.
OPTION #4: THE BURST
There comes a point in some unhealthy, unfulfilling relationships where the
friendship bubble needs bursting. The lies. The faking it. The pretending
everything is fine. It needs to stop. I believe friendship breakups should be
treated EXACTLY like a romantic breakup. Something like:
Hey, I know we have had trouble getting together over the last few months.
I think that is mostly my fault. I have been pulling away. I think last year when
X happened, it really hurt my feelings. I have not been able to get over it.
I know you are a great person and have been a wonderful friend, but I think
our relationship has changed. I do not think we can salvage it with so much
that has gone on. I am sorry.
RECOMMENDATIONS:
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State needs that are not being met
Be gentle and kind
Talk about how you feel
Don’t assign blame
Don’t make excuses
This is incredibly hard. I know it. But I think that if you feel you have to end a
relationship, you have to clear the way. When we say no to relationships that
don’t serve us, we make room for relationships that do.
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