I am certain that the babysitter likes me . She ’ s sweet to me and kind and she keeps the older kids from beating me up . She is so kind . She rubs my head the way I like so much , and my back , too , but when we ’ re alone sitting on the living room floor , her hands stray further down . I ’ m nervous and unsure . It feels wrong to be touched there . When she tries to kiss me , I ’ m sure that it ’ s wrong and I tell her no , that ’ s not what I want . She appears slightly hurt , maybe a little mad , but calm , and I watch her go to the window to light a cigarette . She stands for a while watching my brother and his friend outside . Then I hear the boys feet as they run up the stairs and I watch them come through the screen door . I feel an unimaginable betrayal as I hear her speak .
“ Kick this nigger ’ s ass ” she says .
And then she watches . As the blows rain down on my face and body , the tears that are running down my face are not from the punches but from yet another betrayal .
They always betray . It ’ s because they know that you ’ re a piece of shit . Don ’ t think !
My foot is heavy on the gas pedal and as I speed past a donut shop in a small strip mall , past the police cars that are parked like a bad movie cliché , the voice in my head becomes unbearable and all I can think is :
I can ’ t …. take … my life …. anymore !!!!!!
I drive to a high school that has a running track and under the stars , still wearing my jeans and white shirt , I start to run around the track . I ’ ve been running my whole life . When I started running as a nine-year-old at six in the morning before I went to school , I thought that if I could run fast enough and become fit enough , I would have a fighting chance . And sometimes I could outrun them , whoever they were . And I did get fit enough to fight back and to turn the tables on them . I got bigger and stronger and more fit than all of them , and I became a warrior hardened from a lifetime of battles and betrayals , and I became fearless ……. but I ’ m still running !
A knot builds in my throat , so I pick up my pace to escape . I feel as though I am flying as I practically sprint through ten laps …. 15 …. 20 ……. 25 ………. but I know with absolute certainty that I will never be able to run fast enough to escape the voice in my head that will never let me forget who I am .
You ’ re a loser and the world would be a better place if you were dead . I finally stop running . Sweat runs down my forehead and back , chilling me slightly once I stop running .
Now what ?
It is only a few blocks drive to my dad ’ s house . The cigarette that I light after my run is still hanging out of my mouth as I park in the back alley . Stepping from the car , I suddenly remember that I need to find a sticker from another car to tape over my expiration date on my licence plate so that I can hopefully escape detection for driving without valid insurance for a little while longer . I stand for a moment , contemplating how long it will take before the sun rises to illuminate my act of theft if I should choose to do it now , but then I think , “ What ’ s the point ?” so I turn to walk to the house and enter my dad ’ s suite on the ground floor .
The house is a two-level rental home . My Dad lives in the basement suite while my brother , his wife and their daughter live above on the main level . The door is unlocked as it has been for months in case I should happen to need a place to sleep on my Dad ’ s couch .