I can feel her eyes upon me , but I don ’ t look at her or try to make conversation . I can tell she ’ s nervous and I wonder if she heard the news of the girl who was raped a few months back in almost the exact spot she is now standing , under the Maple tree , waiting politely for me to unlock the door for her . She gets in and I back out , drive around the lot and stop at the main street before finally asking , “ Which way ?”
“ Go right ,” she says .
The extent of the conversation for the remainder of the drive is her giving me directions until we finally park outside a single level rancher .
“ We need to be quiet . My mom is sleeping ; I don ’ t want to wake her .”
I nod and follow her to the front door , through the kitchen and into her bedroom which is next to another room , likely her mom ’ s bedroom . I sit down on the edge of her bed and look up at her as she stands with her back to the closed door . It seems as though she ’ s having second thoughts , but I don ’ t press the issue . I try my best to fake a smile . She smiles back at me and finally comes and sits down beside me . My head is turned towards her , and she leans over and kisses me . It doesn ’ t take long before we are fucking . I don ’ t try to fake romance because I can ’ t . I ’ m only seeking a fix , like the drugs , the booze and the violence .
At first , I don ’ t notice that she is softly crying as we fuck , and when I do , I don ’ t stop until I ’ m finished . Afterwards I ask her , “ Are you ok ?” I am unaware of her answer , or if she even answers at all , because the voice in my head is too distracting .
You are such a piece of shit !
I give her a hug , but it is without warmth . I kiss her on the cheek , but it is insincere . I lie on my back next to her looking up at the ceiling for a moment before getting up , putting my clothes back on and saying quietly , “ I ’ m going to leave .” She just nods .
I try to be quiet as I walk back across the kitchen and out the front door . Once I am alone in my car , with no other distractions , the thoughts come fast , and the memories are like a slap in the face as they flash across my mind while I drive somewhere , anywhere .
My thoughts take me down one dark hole after another and I am powerless to stop them . I am behind the wheel , driving too fast trying to escape , and while my body is in the car speeding through intersections at four in the morning , my thoughts are in the past ...
I ’ m thirteen years old , surrounded by trees and bushes with just the faint glow of the setting summer sun providing enough light for me to see the face of the girl beneath me . She is crying , asking me to stop and I can barely understand her because I am so drunk on cheap wine and high on marijuana . The image of my older friend kneeling by the girl ’ s head and goading me on is barely discernible . We are all friends , supposed to be friends , but it ’ s wrong . It started so innocently , but now , even in my drunken state , I know that this is wrong , but I can ’ t stop myself now . The momentum has built too much , and I wish so badly that I could jump from this train wreck as it is happening , but it ’ s too late .
You ’ re a fucking pig ! My sense of self-loathing increases as I remember , but the hole goes deeper still !
Now I ’ m ten years old . The girl that my dad hires is very pretty , and she seems old to me , even though she ’ s only sixteen . I ’ m torn because I don ’ t feel like a baby , but I ’ m very happy to have someone around during the summer break from school so I won ’ t be left alone all the time with no one to stop my brother and his friends from kicking the shit out of me all the time , calling me a nigger , kicking the shit out of me , calling me a nigger , kicking the …