Future TalentEd Summer Term 2020 Summer 2020 | Page 23

RESILIENCE
STUDENT RESOURCE
Why ‘toughening
up’ is the wrong
way to build
resilience
Duke University student and TED speaker
Sophie Riegel draws on her own experience
of living with mental illness to provide tips for
developing resilience the right way.
“You need to toughen up,” I often hear adults tell
their kids and teens. “Stop being so sensitive”
Adults say these things because they want their kids to be resilient,
to be able to bounce back from situations that knock them down.
But they are going about it in the wrong way.
I know that, for me, being resilient has come from years of living
with four mental illnesses. It has come from doing things at my
own pace, from giving myself the time I needed to heal before
moving on. It has come from sitting in my room alone with a pint
of Ben and Jerry’s and writing sad poems in my journal. Because
I allowed myself to do these things, I learned to be comfortable
feeling uncomfortable, and that is the key to being resilient.
Here are a few ways to do that:
1
Let yourself cry. I know that we are told not to cry, that it is
embarrassing and shameful, but crying is natural. When
we cry, we release toxins and stress from our body that
would otherwise be pent up. And when we have pent up emotions,
it’s hard to make clear decisions and bounce back from
difficult situations.
2
Don’t move on too quickly. Sure, it would be great if we
ignored our feelings of defeat and moved on right away. I
mean, we would be so productive. But, giving yourself time
to be disappointed builds resilience.
Imagine you are a piece of pottery that has just broken. There is
an artist frantically trying to put the pieces back together. And in
his rush to move on to his next piece, he forgets to add a second
coat of glue. So, the next time the pottery falls, it will shatter more
easily. But if the artist takes time fixing the piece, covering all the
cracks and reinforcing the weak parts, the next time the pottery
falls, it might hold up. It will be stronger.
3
Use negative emotions as data. When you feel defeated,
take notice. Think of negative emotions as data points in
the experiment that is our life. Each data point you analyse
gets you closer to figuring out what you need to do to bounce
back. Maybe feeling angry motivates you, or maybe it makes you
take rash decisions. Perhaps being disappointed makes you want
to give up, or it could be the push you need to bounce back. But
if you don’t analyse your emotions, you will never know which
ones to leverage.
Being resilient is hard, especially in times of uncertainty. But until
we are comfortable feeling defeated instead of ignoring it,
recovering from failure will remain a challenge.
Sophie Riegel
Sophie Riegel is a rising sophomore at Duke
University in the US. She is also a professional
speaker and the author of Don’t Tell Me To Relax
and Overcoming Overthinking. She recently
recorded her first TED Talk and looks forward
to writing a third book in the future.