Full Circle Digital Magazine September 2013 | Page 41

H E A LT H • R E L AT I O N S H I P S • J A N E T W I N T E R B O U R N E

These semi-happy unions can be agonizingly ambiguous for the spouses themselves, and they could go either way — or, another way entirely,
... if the couple changes the premises of their marriage instead of either sticking it out or divorcing. I’ve yet to talk to a spouse who took divorce lightly; even if they ultimately felt that it was the right decision. There are rarely clear and easy answers. Identifying that the marriage has slumped into this ‘no man’s land’ state is the first step in resolving the problems the marriage faces, and then working through them. The answer, however, is NOT to let things drag on as they are. You can run but you can’t hide, and these issues will catch you up in the long term if not in the short. It would be unfair to think that men and women who find themselves ‘lost’ in a mildly depressed marriage should be dismissed as selfish for wondering about their marriage, or for wanting more out of their relationships, or for asking tough questions about the institution of marriage. The question, however, is what do you do about it? Do you stay, limp along accepting your lot in life, finding partial fulfilment in hobbies, and your children, or do you square up to the issue and explore the possibility of resolving the issues and getting the marriage on track, thus leading to a more fulfilled life?

“The semi-happy marriage tends to have the vices of its virtues.”
That is, the household works efficiently and the couple gets along reasonably well as roommates and friends. But one or both members find the marriage lacking in serious ways. In some cases, the marriage has morphed into merely a friendship, and has gone sexually dormant. In other cases, the couple has lost any feeling of intellectual connection, or affinity; sometimes, the marriage hasn’t grown and kept pace with the spouses in it. A composite portrait of the semi-happy marriage would probably include the following characteristics. The spouses might have married their “best friends” right at the start — partners who were similar to them, and companions. Of course, that’s really good news for marriage, and it can in some instances make for a very fulfilling union. But it can also turn to bad news if the marriage becomes just like any other friendship and loses traction, a sense of mystery, or perhaps its aura of specialness in our lives. Many marriages slide from happy to semi-happy with the arrival of children, especially if spouses follow the prevailing trends of hyper-parenting and perfectionist over-parenting. All of the energy in the family funnels toward child rearing, and marriage becomes the forgotten bond of family. Semi-happy marriages — especially after children arrive — sometimes lose their sexual energy and settle into a comfortable, companionate state. This state makes daily life comfortable, but has its obvious problems.

FULL CIRCLE DIGITAL MAGAZINE SEPTEMBER 2013

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