Full Circle Digital Magazine September 2013 | Page 40

H E A LT H • R E L AT I O N S H I P S • J A N E T W I N T E R B O U R N E health by Janet Winterbourne One of the most common issues that presents itself in counselling sessions today, is that of the “too good to leave, too bad to stay” marriage. Many people find themselves in a sort of ‘no-man’s land’ living in marriages that aren’t exactly bad, but aren’t exactly fulfilling either. People will often find themselves asking “is this it? Is this all there is?” They seek counselling to check if they’re the only ones feeling this way and to explore why things are the way that they are, and what they can do to change things for the better. If you’re not in a semi-happy marriage yourself, chances are you’ve seen one or know one intimately because the term describes a large number of marriages today. Semi-happy couples should be happy — on paper. If only they could live their marriages on paper instead of in real life! The semi-happy marriage is not bad enough to leave, but not good enough to bring contentment. When I speak to people about how they view the marriages that they see around them, at least half concur that they believe most people exist in a semi-satisfied state. Marriage statistics distinguish between the types of marriage that end in divorce. It is estimated that a majority of divorces — anywhere from 55 to 65 percent — hail from the ranks of the low-conflict, lowstress, amiable-but-listless marriage. The majority do not come from couples who throw dishes and scream at each other. Where the high-conflict, troubled marriage explodes, the low-conflict marriage implodes. So, one does not need to have a tempestuous relationship to indicate a problem. When people tell me that they don’t fight or disagree, I hear warning bells! SEMI-Happy Marriage? attain, or that they, or their partner, weren’t willing to tolerate life’s ups and downs. Semi-happy marriages often have one or both partners acquiescing to the other to avoid conflict, therefore real issues don’t get dealt with and tend to implode or lead to complacency. Many semi-happy marriages are dealing with serious deficits, conflict, and conflict resolution skills are sometimes missing, but these skills are vital to the life-force of a strong marriage. Are you in a “There are two things that a semi-happy marriage is not.” First, it’s not the same as a ‘contented’ marriage. Those cosy, settled marriages feel good to the spouses in them, and are generally happy unions that don’t find themselves haunted by unmet needs, or questions about whether the marriage is ‘enough’. The passion and frisson in a contented marriage may have mellowed over time, but the spouses are comfortable with that, and don’t find themselves gravitating toward divorce. Second, spouses in a semi-happy marriage don’t have trivial complaints about the marriage, so they seem to roll along without issue. A common criticism of spouses who do divorce is that their partners’ standards were too high to “Having established what the semi-happy marriage isn’t, you know you’re in a semi-happy marriage if:” You wake up at 2am., stare at the ceiling, and worry about divorce; You find yourself scanning estate agents websites, or fantasising about moving, alone, to some exotic place; You have elaborate conversations with yourself about whether you’re being selfish to expect more from marriage; You know that your friends and acquaintances would be shocked if you got divorced; And, if one minute you can’t imagine leaving, and the next, you can’t imagine staying. Janet Winterbourne is a relationships and family counsellor in private practice South African College of Applied Psychology Diploma in Counselling & Communication, British Association of Counselling & Psychotherapy Member 083 268 6566 • [email protected] • janetwinterbourne.com FOR A FREE SUBSCRIPTION FULL CIRCLE DIGITAL MAGAZINE SEPTEMBER 2013