Ninety-Nine Things You Can Do With a Brick
By Ken Letko
For Malcolm Gladwell
Begin a brick collection
Worship a clay god
Be many shy of a load
Pretend you're a dog and bury it
Practice nonviolence by not bringing it to a street rally
Crush it to make dust
Add a brick to the control group in a sentience study
Reduce water consumption by placing it in your toilet tank
Practice an important public speech by speaking directly to a brick
Train for an arduous hike by carrying it in a backpack on short walks
Use a brick as a whetstone to sharpen your Swiss Army knife
Paint it gold and store it in a safe deposit box
Keep a brick on the mantle as a conversation piece
Keep it in your car November through March for added traction
Break it into three pieces and juggle
Glue it back together and balance it on your forehead
Break it into four pieces and learn a new trick
Keep a brick in your back pocket for good luck
Listen carefully to a brick
Speak softly and respectfully to a brick
Challenge your vacuum cleaner to pick up a brick
Level up a chest of drawers that has a bum leg
Anchor a soaring kite
Realize a brick can take a joke
Shim up a lawn sculpture
Ruin a lawnmower blade
Realize a brick has a sense of humor
Take a brick to an old-fashioned drive-in movie
Smash your cellphone
Allow your daughter to take it to school for Show and Tell
Drop a brick into a tub full of water to complete the buoyancy test
Be careful to not throw out the brick with the bath water
Attempt swimming from Alcatraz to shore with a brick between your teeth Bring a brick to a party
Teach everyone the brick dance
Break it in half with a karate chop
Sculpt a brick into the lifelike form of a young armadillo
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