followed , like not hitting , then that is something you have to correct in the moment when you see it ,” says Dr . Carothers . But how you correct it matters .
Parents often say , “ Don ’ t do that ” or “ No ,” but Dr . Carothers says that it is actually more helpful to tell children what you do want them to do , instead . “ Kids know what ‘ no ’ means , but they don ’ t necessarily know what to do next after we say no , so you always want to make sure that you have an alternative for them ,” she explains . Saying , “ Keep your hands to yourself ” or “ Use gentle hands ” makes that clear .
For children around three years old , parents might have the child do a time out for something like aggressive behavior . Dr . Carothers explains time out as being “ time out from your positive attention .” So you might say , “ We keep our hands to ourselves . You hit your brother , so now you have to sit in this chair .” For kids who are young , time out shouldn ’ t be longer than three minutes . Then , after the time out is finished , you can tell the child what he should do next : “ You can ask your brother for the toy ” or “ You can touch your brother gently .”
Parents can also start setting natural consequences for a child ’ s misbehavior . For example , if a child jumps on the couch , a natural consequence could be having her practice sitting calmly on the couch . If she writes on the wall , then you could have her wash the wall . Of course she might not actually get the wall clean , but just the act of trying to wash the wall reinforces your rules .
Keeping expectations realistic
For some situations , relying on your ability to respond in the moment might not be enough . For example , toddlers will run into the street if they see something interesting and not realize the potential danger . “ We can ’ t expect a toddler to set that limit for himself ,” explains Dr . Carothers , “ so you as a parent need to do the intervention on the opposite side .”
For walking on the sidewalk , that means you need to hold your toddler ’ s hand at all times to keep him safe . Dr . Carothers also encourages parents to say something like , “ Good job holding mommy ’ s hand ! Thank you for staying close to me ,” which lets your child know that these are the types of behaviors that you like to see .
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