Dear Charlene,
• Talk about things! Tell people that you trust what you’re
going through. Even better, find a therapist and start really
How do I know if I’m a love addict? My ex-girlfriend dumped
digging in. When we stuff our feelings and don’t talk about
me over a year ago, and I’m still trippin’ over it, but isn’t that
things, we carry all of that heavy energy around with us.
kinda normal? I tried to move on and date—but OK, yeah,
they’re really just drunk hook-ups. Honestly, I haven’t found
• There are other ways to date! Find a balance of self-
anyone I like. Am I still holding on to my ex? Maybe. I don’t
dates, friend dates, and family dates. I know, I know, does
know. How do I just get over her already? I’m pathetic. I just
the sound of this make you want to barf? The truth is,
wanna be happy.
the only way to heal that hole in our souls is to fill it with
human connection.
Wow. I’m really feeling with you right now. I truly know what it
feels like to hold on to an ex—or any unavailable guy, for that
• Feel all of your feelings! It’s OK to feel shitty. It’s OK to do
matter. You’re absolutely right—it is pretty normal. Breakups
a bunch of these things I’m telling you to do and feel even
are hard, and there’s no easy way to get through them.
shittier after doing them. Don’t try to feel or be a certain
way that you just aren’t. You’re getting to practice loving
I want to focus on the most important declaration you made
and taking care of yourself, no matter how you feel. The
in your e-mail: “I just wanna be happy.”
only way to get where you want to be is to practice.
I invite you to gently put your ex to the side for now. We
Keep focusing on your happiness, and your life will align
don’t have to figure that out right this minute. In fact, if you
to this new energy. The ex, the dating, the career, the
can, put all dating and hook-ups aside. Just for now.
everything—I promise.
You want to be happy. And I promise you, you are worthy of
And in regards to love addiction, here is my theory: all
this. You are worthy of this simply because you were born.
of us, as human beings, have weird love stuff. Thoughts,
All of us are worthy of happiness. The tricky part here is that
fears, obsessions, pain, longing, dependency. We’ve all
only you can give this to yourself. Happiness won’t come
got some of it. However, it’s something to take a look at
because of an ex, or a new girlfriend, or a career, or that selfie
if it’s destroying your life. Pain after a breakup is normal,
you posted. (Even if your ex saw it.) As exciting as external
but is your life unmanageable because of it? Do you see
things may feel, they’re only temporary. And at some point
patterns of destructive behavior, or are you returning to
they just stop working. (You can trust me with this one.)
destructive relationships and unavailable people? Do you
find yourself mistaking things for “love”? If you think you
Finding happiness is a process, but you can start whenever
might have a problem, I would check out the book Facing
you want. Here are some ideas to explore:
Love Addiction by Pia Mellody, look for a therapist who
specializes in these issues, and consider checking out a
• Do things that you like to do! When I withdrew from
twelve-step meeting. You’re not alone, and there is help.
romance and sex, I was shocked to find that I had no idea
You got this.
who I was. I was always trying to be what I thought other
people wanted me to be. I didn’t even know what I liked or
what made me happy. Make a list of things that you like—
healthy things that make you feel good.
FLOOD
21