1.) Take a look at the relationships you had in your family of origin, or the family that you grew up in, and identify any painful experiences from your childhood. Were you close with one of your parents and had a hard time with the other? How did your family handle conflict? Maybe you and your family have very close relationships with each other and rarely have conflict. Knowing the answers to these questions is the first step. People often choose a mate to “work out” some of the challenges from our families. In my work with couples, I hear over and over again, I chose her/him because it seemed like he/she was totally different than my parent and now it seems she/he is exactly the same. Or I also hear the opposite, he or she is so different from my family, I just can’t see how we can make this work. The more clarity you have with regard to what you’re sensitive to as a result of your family, the better. Knowing what you bring to your relationship is the first step.
2.) The second step involves taking a look at yourself. Look at any patterns that have arised in your relationship history. Do you date the same type of person? Someone who is emotionally unavailable, someone who seems to be ambivalent about you? Try mixing it up! Date someone that might not be “your type.” And by type, I mean the patterns that you identified about your relationships, not only physical appearance.