In a recent article, writer and Washington Post contributor Sherri Daye Scott shared her personal perspective.
“I’m not looking for a “boyfriend” or a “husband.” I want a lover. I want to have consistently good sex with someone I like and respect, who likes and respects me, without the trappings of domesticity. That might change. Might not. But in this moment of my life, when I am juggling projects and co-parenting, I simply want good sex on a regular basis with a side of good conversation, the occasional out-of-bed adventure and special-occasion date.”
Sound simple? Yet Sherri explains how acquiring a lover has been difficult because many men still believe that women are unable to compartmentalize sex. Such a notion is deemed comical, causing major eye-rolling by women who successfully manage to find non-traditional lovers quite fulfilling, arguing that many men are simply not comfortable with women having that level of sexual control.
So I polled a few single women for their thoughts on the idea. Not surprisingly, those who choose a lover cite similar reasons to Sherri’s. Personal and professional demands on their time, energy and attention confounded by a healthy sex drive, a desire for excitement and companionship yet a “not right now” attitude towards settling into a commitment make having a lover appealing. Fully embracing the power of their sexuality, the freedom and control of a mutually agreeable, non-traditional arrangement with someone whom they share a level of friendship, familiarity or even a romantic history is quite satisfying and sometimes the door is open for a commitment, down the road.
However, for most of these women, one-night stands with random men are not part of the equation. Conversely, others still prefer sexual intimacy within the boundaries of a committed relationship. The idea of a lover, challenged deeply rooted personal or spiritual values for women who seek to create a stable, long-term home with Mr. Right versus swinging from the chandeliers with Mr. Right Now.