NURTURE
Family conflicts make
for good television but
when it happens for real,
it may cause irreversible
damage to the relationship
between parents and their
children. Family & Life
picks the brains of conflict
and mediation expert Dr
John Ng regarding family
conflicts and methods for
resolving them.
“Get out of the house now!” the man, whom once resembled
her father, bellowed ferociously. Years and years of
miscommunication and distrust had finally culminated in
her dad throwing her out of the family home.
What began as a situation of her father disapproving of her
boyfriend had evolved into something more monstrous
and deadly. Today, she is estranged from her family and
lives with her then-boyfriend, who is now her husband, in a
sparsely-furnished home in the northern part of Singapore.
This is just one example of a simple family conflict
that spiralled out of control due to non-intervention.
Unfortunately, it is also an issue that is rarely highlighted,
especially in Asia. After all, saving face is of utmost
importance in the Asian culture and there also is the
stereotype that good families never fight. However, the
truth, according to Dr John Ng, is actually messier than that.
“Some parents think that a family is healthy when there
are no conflicts. Unfortunately, most times, conflicts in
these homes are usually swept under the carpet. Healthy
families must have conflicts and the key is learning how
to manage them effectively,” Dr Ng says.
Easier said than done, you say?
Dr Ng agrees. He too grew up in a seemingly
placid family environment, but underneath the
surface, he and his siblings harboured many
unresolved issues. Dr Ng and his brothers would
bottle up their emotions concerning their father
instead of talking about it, as their mother would
constantly advise them “not to rock the boat”.
However, approaching family conflicts with
the right frame of mind can result in positive
outcomes such as:
• Better understanding
• New ideas
• Healthier relationships
• Mutual respect
• Fresh perspectives
What Contributes To Family Conflicts?
hidden expectations
1 Unrealistic orhave very unrealistic or unsaid expectations, e.g., expecting their children, especially
Many parents
2
3
4
16
teenagers, to behave like adults, score A’s for every subject, be responsible and clean their rooms
every day, etc. without actually telling them.
Tired and stressed out
Work can be tiring and exhausting for parents, and when we are emotionally exhausted, we rarely
think properly and manage conflicts well. Most people who have less than seven hours of sleep
daily lose their perspectives and can’t analyse situations properly.
Disconnected with the children
This is especially true in Asia, as most parents only connect with their children
when they want to discipline them, leading the kids to become disenchanted. It is
important for parents to connect with them on an emotional level or they risk
losing the right to correct their children and their respect.
Over-functioning parents
Most parents in Singapore are guilty of controlling every aspect of their children’s lives, albeit with
good intentions. This can exasperate their kids, especially those in their teenage years, when the
parents become overly intrusive.
Family & Life • Nov 2013
Most family conflicts are surprisingly irresolvable,
especially if it involves differences in values, perspectives
and interests.
It can be hard but parents need to recognise that their
children will have their own personalities which might, at
times, collide with their own value system, especially when
it comes to issues such as hygiene and friends.
“Traditionally, we like to think that we should resolve
the matter, but resolving the matter usually involves
deciding who is right and who is wrong. However,
in most cases, there is no right or wrong but rather
just a clash in interests. We need to manage these
differences,” Dr Ng says.
Dr Ng advises parents to follow these guidelines when
managing intractable conflicts.
• Lower your expectations
• Refrain from fighting when emotions are high
• Find compromises instead of insisting your right of way
• Find the right time to discuss conflicts and discovering
creative solutions that meet each other’s interests
• Be flexible instead of constantly insisting on your way
• Learn to listen to your children’s interests
Also, once parents realise that conflicts are not only natural
and inevitable but also part and parcel of life, it becomes
easier to work around the disagreement.
How Should We Manage Conflicts?
Dr Ng understands that parents might get over-emotional
in the heat of the moment. In fact, researchers have
discovered that our fight-or-flight response is triggered
during times of conflict.
To mitigate this, Dr Ng has created a G.R.O.W. framework,
based on his years of experience, which allows parents to
remain rational when they are knee-deep in conflict with
their children.
Go away from the source of the conflict for 20 minutes. Get
out of the heated situation.
Re-frame the negative self-talk. Getting out of the situation
is not enough as our mind still runs through the negative
thoughts and feelings even when we are away from the
scene of the conflict. Ask ourselves these questions:
• What am I fighting about? Is this issue really worth
fighting about so intensely? (A lot of the times, we fight
over very small things.)
• Why am I so angry? (Often, we fight because our pride
has been hurt.)
• What can I do differently to defuse the conflict?
Own your problem and seek help.
Wait for a better time. It is never wise to keep fighting
when we are emotionally involved. Instead, find a better
time to talk through, learn and recover from the conflict.
What Happens Next?
Lay Down
YourArms
Understanding Your Growing Child
It is important for parents to understand that getting
into conflicts with their children does not mean that
they are bad parents or that their children have been
brought up badly. Having a conflict with your kids does
not automatically mean you have a broken relationship.
By properly managing family conflicts, the relationship
between a parent and his or her child can only improve.
In time, coupled with positive, effective c ommunication,
the child will grow up to be a mature, well-adjusted
adult who is capable of managing his or her emotions
and who can handle conflicts well.