lying and criticism as synonymous , creating a belief that all criticism was a threat to my physical and mental wellbeing .
As the smallest boy in school , fighting back seemed unwise , so I chose instead to abandon my contrarianism and embrace conformity . I thought if I could just blend in , I ’ d be liked , accepted , and safe . From then on , criticism became a warning sign that I wasn ’ t conforming and therefore in danger , triggering further repression of my own needs in order to please others .
As a child , this strategy helped me avoid the teasing and playground beatings I dreaded every morning . The problems started after I ’ d held onto this programming long after I ’ d left the bullies behind , and I now saw how it drove many of my major life decisions .
In my personal relationships , my self-repression invited the same pain-inflicting personalities and circumstances into my adult life that I ’ d faced in childhood .
In my career , I unconsciously chose toxic work environments and roles where conformity was expected , judgement and criticism abounded ,
where people who held power were feared and respected ( which childhood me craved ), and who were tasked with defending the defenseless ( exactly as childhood me felt ).
Seeing how all of this weaved together shocked me . I was no longer a small , weak child in need of protection but I ’ d been living as one . I ’ d feared standing out so much that I ’ d spent my entire life trying to be invisible .
Now , you might be thinking this realization was painful , but in fact it was liberating . It was as though I ’ d stopped running terrified from an old ghost , watching it disappear along with the wound and all the pain it carried as soon as I turned around to face it . In that moment , I realized I ’ d been running from something that never had any power to harm me , and therefore , I had no reason to fear it .
I saw that all those scenarios and relationships that played out from that wound in my life as an adult , were there to draw my awareness to an old perspective that no longer served me so I could finally release it . And the resentment I carried for so many years for the pain I ’ d felt those people and circumstances inflicted on me , turned to gratitude , for I saw the larger role they ’ d played in my growth .
Free from this imprisoning programming , I made changes more genuine to how I wanted to be ; I established new standards around what I would accept and tolerate , relationships and roles whose existence depended on my self-repression fell away effortlessly , creating space for healthier relationships to sprout , and incredible opportunities that I never would have considered , and aligned with my aspirations instead of my fears , presented themselves .
So here ’ s the big idea : the people and circumstances that trigger you might actually be your allies and not your enemies , symptomatic of a deeper part of you crying out from the exhaustion of holding onto something no longer serving you , and conspiring to move you toward something even more extraordinary than your current circumstances .
The question is , are you ready to claim extraordinary , or will you allow the ordinary to claim you ? iStock . com / by-studio mleoa . ca 13