How often have you wondered why did I
say that, and be left with a sinking sense of
that did not go well? Or maybe you thought
‘yes’ I handled that really well! Or perhaps
you’re dithering over what to do, as no
option seems a good one? If you’re like me,
then you’ve probably experienced all three
examples at various times. But why is it
sometimes easier than others to speak our
truth effectively?
Recently, I arrived a few minutes late for an
appointment with the hygienist, at our local
dental practice. I immediately apologised
to the young receptionist, who said with
great authority, “You may be too late for
your appointment and then you will have
to re-book” Fortunately the hygienist
.
was fine with my late arrival, but for a few
moments I had felt quite childlike when I had
experienced the receptionist’s disapproval.
The receptionist had responded to me from
a Parent part of her personality, and I had
momentarily gone in to a Child state. I have
capitalised these two aspects of personality
to differentiate my use of the same words
when I’m talking about a parent or child as a
whole person.
Maybe you can recognise phrases you say
that you remember your parental figures
using, or perhaps you sometimes behave
very similarly to them? Have you observed
how even very young children can behave
parentally? I propose that at these times
you are experiencing the Parent ego state
(P). The part of our personality that we have
absorbed from parental figures in our lives.
It can have some extremely positive aspects,
and likewise some aspects that are not
beneficial, and possibly even harmful.
Have a think about the last time you felt
childlike, it may have been a truly happy
free experience, or like my example earlier,
slightly shaming. Maybe reflecting on
children you know and work with will help
jog your memory to reconnect to the Child
in you. When I talk with teachers about ego
states they often recognise the numerous
times they have encountered parents of
children who on arrival at school have
reverted to their Child ego states; it’s as if the
environment and word school triggers their
Child state. So let’s think about the Child ego
state (C). This is the part of us that holds all
of our experiences as children, and where
we hold early decisions we have made about
ourselves and other people. Often we need
to update these decisions, as they were made
with limited life experience and sometimes
based on faulty information. If a parent figure
continually tells a child that they are bad,
then the child may well believe this is true,
when perhaps the parent figure really meant
their behaviour is bad. Addressing behaviour
both good or inappropriate and separating
this from the person is vital in supporting
healthy growth and development. I’m sure
if you think about children and people
you know and have met in life that you
can recognise those who carry burdens of
negative beliefs about themselves because of
in