Exercise & Depression
My anxiety was almost always with me, and
every so often, in certain situations would
have a full blown panic attack. I lived like this
for over 20 years, and 2 suicide attempts. It
seemed I had a medication for every issue I
was dealing with. I can’t say they didn’t help,
but i won’t say it didn’t also came with a price.
Addiction, codependency, and side effects. I
was on medication so long, I was frequently
having them represcribed in lower or high-
er dosages just to keep them working. I lived
a latter part of my life, a zombie. I even had
medication to help give me energy when my
levels were low and I still simply couldn’t get
out of bed. From there I became a couch po-
tato, gained lots of weight, and developed
agoraphobia (a fear of leaving ones home, or
traveling far from home) I remained inside,
and although I may have seemed happy...I was
suffering far worse than ever. My body shifted
from becoming inactive to the point I devel-
oped physical ailments from lack of physical
activities. Still I took my medication faithfully
as prescribed. Day in, day out. Day after day,
night after night till I became so blank with
emotions and was simply living to die. May-
be had I kept my mind clear in the beginning
and truly believed that the medications were
a quick relief while still trying to find a per-
manent one, I may not have sunk so deep to
the point I allowed the medications to dictate
my life instead of the other way around. After
looking at myself in the mirror 20 plus years
later, and seeing just how truly miserable I was.
How unsuccessful I was with any progress in
my life, how depressed I was still after all these
years...I cried. I felt like there had to be more
than this mundane life for me. I wanted to get
out and truly enjoy what time I had left. To be
with my children, and grandchildren. I wanted
to create happy memories and not have them
all see me locked up in my room with curtains
drawn and me just there...in bed. Refusing to
get up or get dressed to go out for a simple
meal even to just get out of the house. Their
arms hugged me with joy, but their faces spoke
a different story. A story of sadness, disap-
pointment, heartache. They relished in delight
at any moment I had “a good day”. I had to do
something. I wasn’t sure yet, but I knew I had
to change something. My life was dark, wet,
lonely and cold. I viewed my life and my sur-
roundings through surreal eyes. I lived simply
for the night so that I may go to sleep and not
deal with anything. Sleep became my friend.
Now bare in mind...this was all me even with
medication. Whatever my prescriptions once
fixed, my body after so long, became immune
and numb. Against my doctors orders I decid-
ed to wean myself off everything. I mean ev-
ery single last one of them. Even my pain pills,
right down to my 800 mg ibuprofen. I refilled
what prescriptions I had left, and allowed my-
self the time I needed to slowly decrease them.
I even cut meds into 3rd’s, 4th’s, etc. to make
sure I weaned off the best way I could. I prayed
for answers that would allow me to be success-
ful and not worsen my depression for taking
the meds against how they were prescribed
for me. All I could do was hope, and pray for
success. My withdraw stages were so awful. I
became even more sick than ever before. More
depressed, worse panic and anxieties along
with nausea, sweats and hot flashes. I swear, I
and everyone in my life thought I would surely
die soon. I refused to go to ER’s, or any doctors
at this time for fear they would represcribe
meds after saying my life depended on it. Or
something to that affect. So I steered clear
from any doctors. Low and behold the with-
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