are mental illnesses, not choices
made freely. They involve disordered
thinking as well as eating in extreme
ways. Noticing the early warning signs
and getting help are the best things
you can do.
4. Alcohol and other drugs
At Noupoort drug rehabilitation centre
new applicants have to fill in a form on
arrival. One of the questions touches
on the girl’s relationship with her
father, and more often than not the
answer is not positive. So the biggest
weapon you have for your child not to
use drugs is a good relationship with
the father.
5. Girls and the online world
Two non-negotiable tools are (1)
no TV in a child’s room, and (2) all
cellphones to be put on charge in the
kitchen at night. If you follow these
two recommendations you will avoid
many potholes.
Girls and their parents
1. Girls and their moms
There is one fact about raising a girl
that nobody disagrees with, and that
is the centrality of mothers.
The reason for this is very simple:
a mother is the role model, the person
of the same gender who has the most
effect, from the earliest time, for 95%
of girls.
For better or for worse, moms are
the most powerful influence in a girl’s
life.
Just knowing this can cause you to
re-examine a lot of the things you do.
Especially important is how you
role-model relating to others –
including her father. How you drive
a car, how you speak about others
– everything you do becomes part of
her.
18 •
• December 2013/ January 2014
A big issue is the stress level you
create in the home and in your life.
You can literally set the stress levels in
your daughter’s body by how you set
your own.
Letting go is part of helping her
grow up. From the age of 16, she may
at times want you not to crowd her
too much. This does not mean that
you do not stay in charge, though.
Get it right with your daughter, get
to know her at a deep level, and it will
be a lifelong joy for both of you.
2. Girls and their dads
Very early on a small child decides
whether her dad is one of two things:
a source of safety and protection
or a source of danger and threat.
Safety and trust are the most central
feelings daughters enjoy with a good,
kind dad. Every child should be able
to say, “I always feel safe with my
dad.” Dads who get on the floor and
play with their daughters give them
a sense of safety and also create
daughters with a higher capacity for
excitement. It is as if they tap that
power and make it part of themselves.
This early investment of fun time
leads to a daughter who wants to have
adventures and share activities with
her dad all through growing up.
There is something about seeing
a girl fishing or hunting with
her dad.
For a girl, her dad is her
personal ambassador from
planet male, he teaches her
what to expect from men.
A girl can practise joking,
arguing and talking over
deep things with Dad, and
these skills can be carried
over into her friendships with
boys later on. If her dad treats
her with respect she will not
settle for less from the males in