112
Drum: OFFBEAT
“Mwaah haaah haaah haaah”
Condoleesa Rice was yesterday able to suppress a baleful smirk
for long enough to offer assurances to Iran that the US had ‘no
immediate plans’ to invade and conquer them.
The proposed ‘Citizenship Test’, which
may ultimately be issued to all residents
of the British Isles not born in either
England or Wales (a decision is yet to be
made on those born in Scotland or
North Irelandshire), is composed of
several hundred questions, designed to
gauge the ‘Albionosity’ of the subject.
Speaking at a packed press briefing,
Howard insisted that it was in the
interests of everyone that only the most
socially-awkward, over-formal,
emotionally-constipated foreign nationals
be allowed to stay in Britain, and further
suggested that Asian families who settle
here should replace their traditional dress
with highly starched dress-shirts and
badly-fitting shoes.
On the advice of British embassies
in their respective countries, many
Albanian, Pakistani, Sudanese, and
Afghani would-be immigrants are already
readying themselves for their new lives
on our shores by distancing themselves
from their children, practising their
expressions of silent disapproval, and
furtively masturbating over speciallyscreened episodes of Eurotrash.
Glaring into a nearby
television camera,
the US Secretary of
State said: “The
White House will
always pursue the
diplomatic route
when at all
possible. We are
…reasonable
people.”
CONDOLEESA:
US HAS ‘ NO IMMEDIATE PLANS’ TO
INVADE IRAN/ SYRIA/ ANY OTHER
COUNTRY OF CHOICE
Slowly drawing a finger across her throat, Rice dissolved into
helpless, manic laughter, before gathering herself and asking for
the next question.
Ms Rice was also able to re-assert the Bush administration’s
stance on nations who are linked to organised terrorist
activities.
“We in America are an honourable people. We are not without
compassion. But we will defend our borders and our overseas
interests. And while force is not an option we are considering
at this time, it is never…off the table”, she said raising a
menacing eyebrow, and twiddling her recently grown, and
heavily waxed moustache.
Rice later went on to deny assertions that the Bush government
seemed bent on world domination:
“World domination? Why, that’s ridiculous I tell you
…ridiculous….ha! Ha! Mwaaah haaah haaah hhaaahhhhhh!!!
Soon you will all suffer, you ignorant fools! You will burn!
Mwaaah haa haa ha, ha….ha….oh dear …ohhhh. That was
off the record, ok?”