Dear Sam and Emma,
I have been wearing copious amounts of Old Spice, straightening my hair, bought myself an old man’s car to look more mature and have even been bringing a spare change of clothes for every time we go over to Head Office in the hope of attracting a mate. Is there anything else I can do, as I feel I have exhausted every avenue of opportunity. There are some dubious characters within the department who have managed to attach themselves to someone and all I want in life is companionship.
Please help.
John Bowdler-Thompson.
Dear John,
Firstly, and this is a well known fact...no amount of Old Spice will do the trick...have you tried a more modern, younger aftershave such as Brut or Joop? Straighteners are a good way forward, however, it depends on which sex you are trying to attract...ditch the hair appliance and the chicks will come running! Ladies prefer manly men with ruffled hair and a 5’oclock shadow...not poker straight locks and a face full of Mac.
Having your own car is a plus point, we all like to be chauffeured on a date...maybe just don’t volunteer the make and model! Finally, taking a change of clothes to Head Office could be verging on desperate...you need to look good and flirt ready at all times of the day as you could meet the girl of your dreams, arriving at work, leaving the house early doors or on the way to Asda at lunchtime. Our motto...always be prepared! We hope this helps you in some way and do keep us updated with your love interest progress.
Dear Sam and Emma,
I have drunk excessive amounts on every night out we have had as a department to try and build my confidence, but all I end up doing is throwing up. It seems that females find the vomiting quite repelling. I have tried my hardest at the studios, editing videos for 3 years, building up my career, but my love life has not edited together the same. I’m looking for a girl who has Star Wars bed sheets and a dear love of Preston North End, but it seems only I fit into that category. Will I ever find a female equivalent?
Thanks, James.
Oh James, if only life were as simple as fitting the pieces together like a jigsaw puzzle, much like at work. Unfortunately you need to work hard, compromise and in your case... Lower your standards!! Life isn’t all about lightsabers and lower league football teams; it’s about recognising your limits (alcohol consumption) and knowing that there is NO female equivalent to you. How about, don’t be so choosey? Why not pick up some other hobbies besides football and drinking? Salsa Dancing? Yoga? Girls love bendy men. Last tip, try a glass of water between each drink when you’re out, should stop the sickness! Good luck, and much love.
AGONY AUNT
With Sam Hilton and Emma Redman (Both real aunties)