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That looks attractive.’ No sooner had I had the thought
and sat back down, I began to question it. What’s
attractive about sitting in a crack house? What’s
attractive about prison? What’s attractive about not
seeing my sons?
This was one of the pivotal moments in my life,
when unwanted and intrusive thoughts could have
changed not just my own destiny, but that of my sons
and countless other people. This was when I started to
become aware of my thoughts. I didn’t know it at the
time, but this was the beginning of the development
of my emotional intelligence; the beginning of my
empowerment – of learning to use a dormant skill
that I wasn’t even aware existed.
I stayed on the bus and I passed the course, and the
next, and the next. I began to question negative
thoughts and emotions and started to practise not
succumbing to them.
WHAT IS EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE?
Emotional intelligence (known as EI or EQ) is a term
created by two researchers – Peter Salovey and John
Mayer – and popularised by Daniel Goleman in his
book Working with Emotional Intelligence. It refers to
the ability to identify and manage one’s own thoughts
and emotions, as well as those of others. Goleman cites
the Harvard Business School research that determined
that EQ (emotional quotient) counts for twice as much
as IQ (intelligence quotient) and technical skills
combined, in determining who will be successful.
Being addicted to any substance indicates a
person’s refusal or inability to process thoughts and
emotions, especially when the consequences become
severe and the person finds it difficult to halt the
process of ‘fixing feelings’. As time goes on, it becomes
more difficult to identify and manage emotions.
My first recollection of a drug fixing my feelings was
when I was nine years old. It was the morning after I
was taken from the family home and put into a care
home. I was distraught at being taken away from my
family, and I screamed the place down. I remember
waking up the next morning, hearing birds singing and
being very calm. It was almost as if the trauma of being
taken away had vanished overnight. I found out years
later that I was given diazepam to calm me down – my
first experience of my emotions being ‘fixed’. A pattern
was set; I then knew, subconsciously, that I didn’t have
to experience uncomfortable emotions.
We are told we are addicted to whichever drug we
are taking when, in reality, we are addicted to not
feeling – we just choose different vehicles to get to the
same place. I had a lot to relearn. I had to recognise
the difference between a feeling and a thought. We
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‘My first recollection of a drug
fixing my feelings was when
I was nine years old. It was
the morning after I was
taken from the family home
and put into a care home.’
have all heard people say ‘I feel like a pint’ or ‘I feel like
a failure’. These are not feelings – these are thoughts.
When I work with clients or students, this is one of the
first things I ask them to investigate.
When I started using drugs in the 1980s, the only
help that seemed to be available was Nancy Reagan’s
advice, ‘Just say NO!’ Very good, Nancy, but how do I do
that? Although simple in theory, recovering from
addiction or from unprocessed emotions is fraught
with obstacles, dangers and, mostly, the negative ‘self’
that will try to take us back to misusing substances
again. We need to become aware of our emotions and
thoughts, so we can better accept and challenge them.
We need defences and protection. This is why I think
enhanced emotional intelligence is essential for
successful recovery.
CAN WE TEACH IT?
I am frequently asked the question, ‘can you teach
emotional intelligence?’ and the simple answer is no.
However, what we can do is make each other aware of
the barriers that stop it developing naturally. There are
proven ways to help this, such as the ‘Johari window’ –
a simple tool to help with self-awareness.
Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs also helps with
experiencing self-actualisation. It’s funny how I
thought a speck of powder could destroy my life, when
in fact the risk was from unmet basic needs – lack of
connection, poor self-esteem and, most of all, not
KARL’S
JOURNEY
Learning about
emotional intelligence
gave Karl the techniques
to begin living life the
way he wanted to
Karl had been addicted to heroin
since the age of 17 and came into
treatment aged 34. He was home -
less, with destructive behaviours
and a chaotic lifestyle. He had
contracted hepatitis C and had
turned to crime to support his drug
habit. He was also selling himself.
These behaviours went against all
enough experience of triumphs. Emotional intelligence
can help develop skills relating to assertiveness,
maintaining safe boundaries, developing and enriching
relationships, dealing with change, taking calculated
risks, and many other areas of personal growth.
In a lot of ways, I am just as scared as I was back
then. My esteem can still be low, but the difference
now is that, through an awareness of my thoughts and
feelings, I am able to challenge my emotional and
mental state and not give it power. With fearful
situations, I do it anyway – at least sometimes.
For eight years, I worked with people who were still
using drugs in a group setting and, each day, the
objective was always to enhance their emotional
intelligence, empowering them to have more choices.
Today, I teach counselling and addiction awareness to
people in recovery, as well as teenage schoolchildren,
corporate managers, nurses, perpetrators of domestic
violence, addiction workers, therapists and anyone
who wants to be the best they can be. At the Calico
Group, where I work, our chief executive Anthony
Duerden ensures that training around emotional
intelligence is delivered across the organisation.
As therapeutic workers striving to help the
wounded, I am convinced that we become more
potent at what we do when we ourselves strive to
enhance our own emotional intelligence.
Derek Fredericks is academy manager at Acorn
Recovery Projects, www.acornrecovery.org.uk
his morals, beliefs and values. He
had attempted suicide numerous
times. His mother had committed
suicide while he was in addiction.
Karl thought he was ‘worthless
and better off dead’.
Through a therapeutic process
Karl was able to look closely at his
thoughts, behaviours, and actions
in a safe environment. He was
able to improve his self-awareness
through enhancing his emotional
intelligence. With this process
came the development of certain
key skills to move on with his life.
Karl reported that since putting
down the drugs it had all become
about living his life. This meant
managing himself, his thoughts,
emotions and relationships. He
began to manage his emotional
state by being aware of his
negative self-talk, and with this
awareness he began to challenge
himself to go further. His self-
control was improving and
through the techniques of
emotional intelligence he began
to get experience of achieving.
His relationships also began to
improve, which he felt was a
massive part of his recovery. He
began to form boundaries and
become more assertive, allowing
his relationships to flourish, and
he began to get in touch with his
natural empathy for others.
Karl is now helping other people
develop and enhance their
emotional intelligence through his
work as a tutor and counsellor.
June 2019 | drinkanddrugsnews | 13