COVER STORY
" I always thought that being a Christian meant feeling guilty...."
beginning of 2015, life became harder to endure and my poetry became increasingly darker. My depression was increasing to the point where it was physically difficult to get out of bed every morning. It felt as if everything in my life was spinning out of control and the small but daily tasks of life became meaningless. The only thing that was motivating me to live was my purpose for creating art and eventually my poetry pieces about society changed into drafts for a suicide note. In January of 2015, I made the final decision that I was no longer going to bear the pain that I was going through and decided that I was no longer going to write drafts of suicide notes, and I made a final copy. A close friend at the time figured out my plan and called the police.
That week, I was placed into Christian counseling having weekly appointments. I had the absolute best therapist I could have had and started the road to learning healthy coping mechanisms. Within two and half years, my sadness and habits of skipping meals transformed into smiles and being on a healthy diet. As I was on the road to recovery, I made the decision to follow Christ. I always thought that being a Christian meant feeling guilty for all of the sins you commit but the purpose of the Cross is for that guilt to be taken away.
Through the years the poor eating habits that I developed as a child seemed to always follow me like a shadow. By the time I was 16 years old, my body was deteriorating from my lack of nutrition. I was under 100 pounds, constantly cold, and my hair was rapidly falling out. During that season in my life, I discovered my love for writing. I would write dozens of thought provoking poetry pieces about the downfalls of society every week. In the
"By the time I was 16 years old, my body was deteriorating from my lack of nutrition. "
As I grew older, the mental abuse became worse. By the time I was in early elementary school, my afternoon caretaker convinced me that I was, “Too big” and encouraged me to develop an eating disorder. By the second grade, I was anorexic, depressed and had no feelings of self-worth. I prayed that God would rescue me from that specific situation, and within time He did. Eventually, my Mother was able to quit her job and take care of me and my sister full time. My parents did everything they could to ensure that I had a full life. They worked hard so that I could attend private school, have a private voice teacher, violin teacher, and a tutor as well as keep busy with 4-H. I was privileged but broken because I did not know the agape love that only Christ offers.