WHAT GOD PUTS TOGETHER
likely that they’re just distracted, hungry or have motivations that are invisible to you. “High stress always brings out people’s relational coping skills, or lack of them,” says Helen. “Stress also triggers memories from the past, and we tend to respond to the present as we did in the past.” In any case, just asking your partner a question and actually listening to the answer before pulling the ripcord on an argument can have a positive effect, by giving us a moment to pause and engage our more sophisticated cognitive functions. “Talking is the most dangerous thing people do, especially when they are stressed,” says Harville, “and listening is the most infrequent thing people do, especially when they are stressed.”
Let them feel bad—or O.K.—about the current crisis. Spouses aren’t necessarily going to see eye to eye about how bad things are going to get. That doesn’t mean they’re wrong. When you disagree with your partner’s approach to the pandemic, do your best to figure out what it is he or she is really thinking about instead of dismissing it. “They are going through the virus information in a different way,” says Julie Gottman. “Have some empathy, which means do your best to guess and name what emotion you hear your partner is expressing.” The Gottmans, and many other therapists, endorse active listening—that is, hearing what a person says and trying to say it back in your own words. “If you can’t figure it out, just say, ‘You sound really upset or you sound stressed,’” says Julie. “Those cover everything.” The Hunt-Hendrixes call these “safe
conversations.” Says Helen, “They must be two way.”
Buy some time, or trade for it. If possible, build some time alone into the schedule even if it’s only for half an hour a day. This may require bartering with your spouse for some time away from the kids or chores for each of you. “It’s hard to have solitude,” says Ashley Willis. “I have to be my own advocate. I need some time.” Try to find a way to be apart for some of the day, if it’s at all feasible. And no, escaping into screens side by side doesn’t count. You need to not be able to see each other or hear each other.
Do what your ancestors did. Intimacy, as the Willises politely call it, is also key. Too much togetherness and stress can have an unsexy effect on partners who live together but getting it on can also be a stress-reliever as well as a nice break
"Too much togetherness and stress can have an unsexy effect on partners who live together but getting it on can also be a stress-reliever as well as a nice break from Netflix."