The freedom that comes from feeling!
tired of Life!
That is when the floodgates opened, I had
my breakdown, mentally and physically. It
was the most excruciating feeling of
helplessness, and I felt “lebensmüde”, which
literally translates from German into “tired of
life”.!
But it was in this moment that I started
realizing that certain issues – fears – have to
be worked out on different levels, mentally,
emotionally, physically, spiritually. It was the
first time in my life in which I felt this way, and
waking up the next morning and seeing that
the sun was still up, that I was still alive and
breathing, filled me with a feeling of: “it’s
going to be all right.” One of the most
amazing states of being I have ever
experienced.!
After six days of being sick, lying in hospital,
not having eaten and sporting a fever of
about 42°C, I became aware of my thoughts:
they were circling around what my
classmates were doing, all the amazing
things they were learning while I was sick.
“How stupid of you to fall sick when now is
the most important time of your trip” – my
thoughts were saying. And as I looked onto
these thoughts, I went: “Hang on! What is
happening here? Why are my thoughts
centered around what others are doing when
my only concern should be to get well?” And
it dawned on me that for the better part of
the last 20 years, that’s what I’ve been doing:
thinking about what others have, do,
experience. I envied others and thought I had
somehow been left out. And so I spent a lot
of time, energy, and about 150.000# in a
desperate effort to emulate people that I
thought were accomplished, successful,
happy.!
Lying in a hospital in Taiwan I understood on
a deep level what I had heard so many times
before: it’s your life. No one else can live it
for you. There and then I swore an oath to
myself:!
“!
I will not look to others for
reference on what my happiness
looks like, but only into my heart
to what it feels like.
I have tried living the life of others, now it’s
time to live mine.!
The story of Balrog!
Later, during a meditation session I had the
honor of meeting my Ego. I call him Balrog.
In the past, Balrog surfaced in most
contesting situations, e.g. conversations,
discussions or just describing something.
The thing with Balrog is that he likes to win.
That’s because he used to be my
mechanism for combatting my own feelings
of inadequacy. He was looking out for me.
And so Balrog would manifest himself to the
world as a smartass, or just be plain
patronizing, no matter if he was right or not.
And that got in the way of truly listening to
what the other person had to say and wasn’t
helping me nurture relationships with the
people I cared about.!
For those of you who have seen “The
Fellowship of the Ring”, there is a scene
where Gandalf stops a huge monster by
raising his staff and shouting: “You shall not
pass!” This is the image that popped up
during meditation, except that I was Gandalf,
Balrog was my Ego, and I was shouting:
“You are not helpful here!” It was a
curious feeling, but it passed, and it was only
two months after I came back that I realized
how that had changed my relationship with
Balrog.!
Giovanni Jaerisch describes
himself as a modern Marco
Polo. He is constantly looking
for new routes to bring back the
spices and treasures of life.
Sharing these experiences and
serving others to make their
own experiences and
uncovering their true self gives
him joy.
He loves having meaningful
and fun conversations, so he is
bringing Expanding Circles
to Berlin, a format where
conversations that matter are
hosted.
He believes that a different
work and economic
environment is possible, so he is
engaged in Beyond
Leadership to serve
corporations make the
transition. Doing things with
his hands and body sparks his
mind, so he paints, carves,
bookbinds and does a lot of
sports.
The experiences he lives fuel the
topics he talks and writes about.
That is how he strives for
authenticity.
I was having a conversation with a friend, explaining to him the different
culture I had experienced, how it was so focused on the collective and how
collectivism also has its useful sides; e.g. look at China and the long way
they have come in the last 40 years. My friend strongly disagreed and
started telling me how important the individual is and how it is necessary to
find a balance in society between individualism and collectivism.!
And at that moment I felt Balrog waking up; like a refreshed boxer he bolted
from his corner and said: “Come on then! Here we go!” In the past, I would
have argued against my friend, just to make my point – and win. But not this
time. Quietly looking Balrog in the eye I said: “It’s ok. Chill. I don’t need you
right now. Have a cup of tea. Thank you.” And all the energy that I had felt
building up like a huge wave, ready to crash into the coast of my friends’
argument, simply ebbed off. Because there was no argument. He was right.
I was right. We were seeing the same thing t