“Live your grief in your own way.”
1. Let grieving be
Running away from grief does not count as a valid expression of it; it’s fine, it’s healthy
to mourn. Going on a vacation or on the other hand, taking the most challenging
project at work so that your mind is “occupied” won’t solve anything per se, because
grief is a state of mind that gets very little influence of what you do or where you are.
It’s an inside job.
2. Find avenues for grieving in your own learning style
This works brilliant. It might happen naturally without you even realizing. In my case, I
am primarily a verbal/linguistic (I prefer using words, both in speech and writing) and
solitary/intrapersonal (I prefer to work alone and use self-study) learner. So, I found
comfort in reading and writing about death, in researching who were thought leaders
on the theme of death and what they said.
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross (www.ekrfoundation.org) is for instance a must read. But if you
are, for example, an aural/auditory (you prefer using sound and music) or an social/
intrapersonal (you prefer to learn in groups or with other people) learner your ways to
mourn will look totally different. Don’t try to comply with norms, live your grief in your
own way, no matter how unconventional it seems.
3. No matter what, focus on love
Above any other definition, grief is the price we pay for love. If you are grieving,
is simply because you truly loved the person that left. That is a fact. You might not
have had the best relationship. You might have experienced deep conflict with him or
her. But the person mattered to you.
The first step is recognizing this love and putting it at the center of the process without
any judgment on how you show or didn’t show that love when the person that died
was alive.
After the death of my father, I stopped to be afraid of death.
As Kubler-Ross wisely said, “Those who learned to know death, rather than
to fear and fight it, become our teachers about life.”
I chose my position about what death is and what to expect after it. Does the person go to
heaven? Does the spirit fly around and always watch you? Do we reincarnate? I won’t reveal
my own version of what I believe happens, I am just encouraging you to take time to think of
it, and choose something to believe, it’s up to you if you link thi ́