“ “
When columnist Robyn Wilder, 42, moved out of the city to
have a baby, she didn’t expect a tumbleweed to follow. For journalist Rebecca Ley, her own childhood involved living
in a quiet, Cornish cottage by the sea: but that wasn’t what she
wanted for her own family.
Moving out of the city
brought an unexpected bout
of maternity loneliess
“We moved because we got priced out of London – we could
afford to live there as two people, but not three. We looked at our
options: we wanted an affordable home closer to the countryside,
but with easy access to the city for work. The ideal place was quite
close to my husband’s family, which seemed apt now that we were
starting a family of our own.”
Wilder and her husband reasoned that Kent – a county known as
the ‘Garden of England’ – was, although surrounded by
countryside, resembling a quiet, London
suburb. Although here they could afford to rent
a three-bedroomed house with a garden.
But with a Lidl and a designer outlet as some
of the area’s highlights, “it is not the sort of
place that London people visit at the weekend.”
And after having her first child, Wilder soon
experienced a downside of moving away from
the city: maternity leave loneliness.
“Moving out of the city was definitely part of it. You are alone
with a baby for hours and hours, with all these new emotions -
including fear – doing very solitary activities that you’re not used
to. You can conquer it, but you have to work hard. I do miss the
immediacy of the city.”
So, how would new mothers avoid the loneliness that country-
living may bring?
“My advice is to go out and make new friends. That can be hit and
miss, [but] you just have to keep at it. I don’t think either place is
preferable for bringing up a child, but it is too expensive in the
city. The city can make me anxious, so I’m a better mother in a
less populated area.
I was so sure about my urban
choice but having three has
really made me question it
Living 10 miles from the nearest town, she spent most of her
youth swimming in the ocean, blackberrying and walking along
clifftops. Now raising a family of three in London, she’s wonder-
ing whether the benefits of the city outweigh the price of city life.
“I moved to London for University and stayed for work. I loved
the city immediately and never yearned to go back to rural
Cornwall long-term. The best thing about the city is the diversity,
in terms of culture and things to do. But the
worst is the disconnect from nature, and the
air pollution. I was always so sure about my
urban choice – but having three has made me
question it.”
Ley moved to a part of London which she has
described as “up-and-coming, in estate-agent
speak.” Scattered with bearded young men in
checked shirts, and pretty girls on bicycles. At
times, it is grimly urban. Despite this, London still enthrals her,
and Ley says we shouldn’t just assume that country life is more
beneficial for bringing up a family.
“I do miss the countryside and think that in some ways it’s a
better environment for children. Schooling is harder to get right
in inner city London and there isn’t much chance for free out-
doors. However, the city has so much to offer, [and] it is all about
trying to make the most of that on their behalf. They have the
world on their doorstep: that is a fabulous thing in many ways.”
“With lots of children, [I do] fantasise about opening the door
and letting them run free, which feels impossible in the big city.
But ultimately, that’s a bit of a fantasy borne of exhaustion. In fact,
as the parent of a country-dwelling child, you would just spend a
huge amount of time ferrying them around in the car. So, the city
can always offer freedom too – just a different sort.” •
PROPERTY WRITER NIGEL LEWIS REVEALS HIS TOP TIPS FOR MAKING THAT BIG MOVE:
Moving to the country… Moving to the city…
• In the countryside, you usually need to be more involved
with community projects and activities to integrate yourself
into the community. • Don’t treat London as just ‘one singular city’; but as a collec-
tion of different towns.
• Separating yourself from the city entirely might make you
feel extremely isolated. Make sure you still have transport links
back into the city, even if you don’t work there.
• Remember that even in a city like London, there can be areas
with elements of the countryside. Consider Lee Valley in East
London, Crystal Palace, West London, or St Margarets.