Boundaries can be confusing and even uncomfortable . Many parents are afraid to set and enforce boundaries for fear of making their child angry with them , or perhaps they want to avoid the inevitable power struggle that will ensue . They worry that it will harm the relationship in some way . Yet others feel boundaries are just another type of control . On the other end of the spectrum are the parents who have no trouble whatsoever being very firm and sticking to those boundaries relentlessly . There is no wiggle room , and the consequences are swift . Neither of these approaches is optimal .
Let me explain why .
Boundaries are a necessary part of any healthy relationship , and this includes the parent-child relationship . Consider the lines on the road . Without them , there ’ d be chaos . The lines are boundaries that show us where we can safely operate . Without proper boundaries , our children wouldn ’ t feel safe . While it may seem they ’ re fighting for control , they ’ re really asking for autonomy within boundaries . Children don ’ t want to be controlled , but they also aren ’ t capable of being in control . What they need is what Susan Stiffelman refers to as a Captain of the Ship .
She explains “ Captains exude a calm authority . They don ’ t leap over the side of the ship when there ’ s a storm or a problem . What children need is the security of knowing that someone capable and loving is nearby to help them navigate life .”
This “ captain of the ship ” imagery really helped me , as a young parent , to understand how to be a loving , kind authority . Best-selling author and gentle parenting expert L . R . Knost explains boundaries beautifully . She says , “ Boundaries are not barbed-wire fences , love . Boundaries are the poetry and prose that tell others how to love , respect , and connect with us . Boundaries are the choreography of our relationships , guiding the steps of our interactions . Boundaries are love in action .”
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