Dear Captain Warmonger and Team Del Riders who , lest posterity forget , we have named hereunder :
Warmonger , AC , GC , Rich , Deano , Laaitie , Bumblebee , Spartan 1 , Spartan 2 , Pat , Keeto and Benchwarmer
27th November of the year of our Lord 2020
We are mightily pleased with the inaugural Cow & Belle Run™ which you experienced on the 14th of November in the Cradle of Mankind . Our low expectations aligned quite nicely with the event .
Unfortunately it turned out that the 180km route provided was woefully tolerable with hills way too levelled and pleasant . That said , we expected a better showing from the teams . Based on the final times , we and the fans were left wanting . With the pre-race bravado , our expectations yearned for a Race of the Ages . An Oxford v Cambridge , a Borg v McEnroe , a Tiger Woods v Swedish Ex-Wife . And yet not one team could average over 33 kph . That ’ s not much too write home about . There are 15-year-old schoolboys able to hold that speed on the Durban brick promenade . On a fixed wheel push bike . Barefoot . At night . In their school attire . Hungover .
Although we were impressed with your team ’ s enthusiasm ( how about those pink caps and the Hawaiian shirts !) and a smattering of riders from The View who introduced some class , we were not impressed with your team ’ s attempts at facial lip growth nor the belligerent attitude that you showed towards the race directors . Even your reliance on elite riders , including revered brothers , Spartans , neglected members of the Knights Templar and irreverent bazaar merchants , did not detract from the club incestuosness that you allowed to fester from the wrong side of the bridge .
We have the unfortunate duty of informing you that what you lacked was – in a word - mustard . You just didn ’ t have it . The oomph was missing . You guys and Pat know full well that you could have gone 5.30 for the 180 . Even that ’ s an unimpressive 32.72 kph average . I mean – come on .
It is this lacklustre performance that made you easy picking for our race directors who , despite it being their first race directorships , were well-prepared to weed out any Pretenders .
Remember , this is not the Double Century jolly-lolly or Let ’ s-All-Do-An-Ironman-Training-Ride . This was the Cow & Belle Run for Pete ’ s sake . Few rules , no-holds-barred , gloves-off , nitrous-oxide , high-octane racing , a big chance – and we are given few - to crush your enemies , see them driven before you and hear the lament of their women ( or men ).
If you had won the overall winners of the Cow & Belle award , you ’ d have been done a disservice . You ’ d have felt - for a moment - the warm glow of success , but deep down you ’ d have known that , on the day , you didn ’ t go all the way down the well . Your race was at best a ribbon-wrapped bundle of mediocrity and pleasantries . It was no Race of the Ages . Deep down , you know you wanted a war story worthy of its telling , and all you got was another coffee ride with mates in the Cradle .
Which is why the Cow & Belle Run relegated you to last place . So henceforth you ’ d remember this day and , with this fresh scar of regret still seeping , return next year with vengeance and fury in your hearts . A return to extract your revenge .
In order to remind you of the inaugural race and your unsworn oath of vengeance , we have agreed to donate , on your team ’ s behalf , a floating trophy called the Team Del Trophy for the 2021 edition of the Cow & Belle Run . We look forward to your revenge match and to see you fighting for something with your name on it .
But please , do not fill yourselves with delusions . Others have gone back to their war rooms . They are learning , yearning and building for the sub 5.30 . This trophy will add fuel to the fire in their bellies .
We think that now – with this line drawn in the sand - you might to want it more .
May your gods go with you ,
High Command of the Cow & Belle Run .
Suitably epic music to read above letter to
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