Make illegal money.
Somehow, make a bunch of money. Hey, it’s not that hard--it’s the 1920s for pete’s sake! Just bootleg alcohol or join an organized crime ring. Then, once you get all those fat stacks, make it rain...shirts! Make it rain shirts! Onto the girl you love! Hopefully, she will start crying and realize how much better you are than her husband because you have nicer shirts. The shirts will be a symbol of your wealth and therefore her happiness. She could have been happier with you than with her husband, since you have nicer shirts (aka more money)...Hey, now that we think about it, doesn’t your girl sound kind of shallow?
Buy a mansion for your girl.
Remember, this mansion isn’t for you. It’s for your girl. You want to attract her into your cage--I mean, house. You should throw parties and hope that she will one day wander in, have the best night of her life, and ask to meet the host...which is you! Then you will sweep her up in your arms and live happily ever after. But hey, it’s not as simple as it sounds. You need to make sure that your house is up to her standards. For example, you’re going to need real books. It’s not enough just to pretend to be smart and worldly. You need to BE worldly. So go out and buy a bunch of books. Here’s a description of what your guests should think about your books:
“Absolutely real--have pages and everything. I thought they’d be a nice durable cardboard. Matter of fact, they’re absolutely real. Pages and--See! It’s a bona-fide piece of printed material. It fooled me.”
Now, don’t worry. It’s safe to assume that everyone is too shallow to check your books. You don’t have to go annotating all of them to show that every single one is read. It’s enough just to buy them. Remember, don’t FAKE the dream--LIVE the dream, BE the dream!
Believe in time travel.
If anyone tells you that you can’t repeat the past, just say, “Why of course you can!” Use this as your lifetime motto. You can go back and repeat falling in love with your girl all over again, except with more money this time. And whatever you do, if you go back in time..don’t get killed!
*SPECIAL WARNING: YOU MAY COMPLETE ALL OF THESE STEPS BUT NEVER BE TRULY HAPPY. YOUR VERSION OF THE AMERICAN DREAM MAY NOT BE ATTAINABLE, BECAUSE IT IS NOT TRULY A DREAM AT ALL. IT IS SIMPLY A MIX OF GREED, LUST, AND NAIVETY. YOUR “LOVE” IS JUST ANOTHER PIECE OF THE ILLUSION THAT YOU’RE LIVING--YOU’RE NOT GREAT, YOU’RE NOT IN LOVE, YOUR GIRL IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT PERFECT, AND YOUR MONEY IS A LIE. EVEN THE GREATEST OF CITIZENS IN THE 1920S STILL FINDS THEMSELVES TO BE CORRUPT.