STABILIZING CONFLICT WITH DIGNITY identity. Cornered, they defend themselves— already flooded— by firing back. The parent, hooked, escalates. Soon both are in combat: hurt hearts, bruised egos, dignity violated. The structure wobbles, then buckles. I’ ve been that parent. My internal destabilizers spilled out as external destabilizing moves.
If, however, the parent pauses— collects themselves— and responds with a dignityaffirming line, the conflict may not vanish, and history may still make things shaky, but the conditions for a steadier exchange improve. They breathe, regulate, and say:“ Sounds like it’ s been a rough week. Want to tell me what’ s been happening?” Or,“ I know I don’ t always listen well, and we don’ t always agree, but I want to be here
“ Carefully chosen words
matter in conflict. But they’ re not the whole conversation— or even the most consequential part. Much of what we communicate lives in tone, posture, facial expression, and pace.
” for you.” Imagine the teen softening— enough to talk.
Later, the parent might add:“ It sounds like things got away from you— understandable. What are you learning from this that you want to carry forward? What support do you need?” Instead of lecturing for an hour, the parent invites accountability and ownership— through curiosity, not judgment.
Carefully chosen words matter in conflict. But they’ re not the whole conversation— or even the most consequential part. Much of what we communicate lives in tone, posture, facial expression, and pace. Our bodies speak; people hear them.
Early in my study of Marshall Rosenberg’ s Nonviolent Communication( NVC), I tried his observations – feelings – needs – requests frame at home. I was desperate to do conflict better. My defaults— defensiveness, hyper-intellectualizing, debatestyle interrogation— kept me from connecting with my family when things were hard. I’ d seen how my shame and judgment hurt my daughter and destabilized our relationship. I needed a different way.
After a fresh NVC class, I gave it a try. My daughter had skipped her dish-washing chore— again. Instead of shaming, I called her in and said:“ When I came home after a long day and saw last night’ s dishes in the
Continues on page 30
CSEE Connections Winter 2025 Page 5