Parent Tips:
By Julie Stevens
In The Culture Code: The Secrets of Highly Successful Groups, Daniel Coyle explores the concept of belonging through a timed experiment in which small groups were tasked with building the tallest possible structure using uncooked spaghetti, tape, and string, all topped with a marshmallow. The groups— either four kindergartners or four business school students— repeatedly produced a surprising result: the kindergartners built significantly taller towers. Coyle explains that success depended less on individual skill than on group interaction. The kindergartners collaborated immediately, experimenting and problem-solving, while the adults focused on status— figuring out where they fit in. Uncertainty about belonging led them to hesitate and compete rather than cooperate. While reflecting on creating cultures of belonging, I followed the saga of a specific kindergartner, Liam Ramos. Alongside his asylum-seeking father, he was detained by ICE in their Minneapolis driveway and taken to a distant detention center. A widely shared image of Liam in his blue bunny hat illustrated a different narrative from the one used to justify his seizure, in which immigrants were portrayed as the dangerous“ other.” His story went viral, along with calls for his release, gaining traction because, as Time magazine noted“ this child could be anyone’ s... Minneapolis could be home.” When cultural forces threaten our fundamental sense of belonging, these strategies can help parents respond.
• Provide a counterbalance to the deeply rooted human tendency to sort by ingroups and out-groups, and to engage in othering. An in-group includes those perceived as“ like us.” Children as young as three are aware of physical differences— such as skin color, hair texture, gender— and carry this awareness into social encounters. By age five they expect in-group members to favor them and tend to prefer members of their own group. Out-groups, those seen as“ not like us” may be subject to othering. Provide opportunities for intergroup connection: arrange playdates with children from different racial, cultural, or social backgrounds, and explore books and films that depict diverse characters in everyday life, not only in hardship. Research shows kids benefit from simply knowing that someone in their in-group has a close friendship with someone in their out-group. Be especially proactive if your child views those in an outgroup as inferior or threatening. Help them reflect on experiences of exclusion— whether witnessing it or feeling it— to bridge the gap between the idea of othering and the emotional lived experience. Without your guidance, the same social instincts that helps your child form friendships can lead them to exclude or mistreat others.
• Reinforce your child’ s sense of belonging by embracing their individuality. Focus less on your own desires and preferences to help them capitalize on their unique strengths, interests, and motivations. Parenting expert Dr. Traci Baxley shares how
Page 36 Summer 2026 CSEE Connections