PARENT TIPS CONTINUED
• flavor sells out. The child— you guessed it— melts down. A fishbowl parent might yell at the child to stop pouting and threaten to leave. An ocean parent might hold up the line for a lengthy discussion about their mad or sad feelings. An aquarium parent strikes a balance by acknowledging the child’ s disappointment, encouraging choice of another flavor, and suggesting an earlier arrival next time. This approach combines firm control with compassion, fostering a sense of safety, self-confidence, and agency while also recognizing natural consequences.
• Explain the“ why” behind rules: Genevieve Mageau, a psychology professor at the University of Montreal, notes that kids can feel autonomous even in a structured environment, if they agree with the rules. It’ s natural and healthy for children to feel frustrated and push back against parental directives. Sometimes, doing the right thing is difficult or unpleasant, and that’ s an important lesson. A teenager’ s frustration doesn’ t mean they can ignore the rule about checking in when plans change. But acknowledging their perspective, empathizing with their feelings, and engaging in a conversation about why the rule is important can help shift the tone. It might even lead to them suggesting solutions that work for you both.
• Be clear that intrinsic motivation contributes to a fulfilling life for you and your kids. Avoid linking what others see as success at your job or at school too tightly to your self-esteem, which can lead to increased stress and burnout. Receiving a bonus for meeting a sales target or taking a difficult course solely to pad one’ s transcript— purely external rewards— provide limited positive effects. Worse, individuals motivated solely by extrinsic rewards are more likely to act dishonestly. Intrinsic motivation— the innate desire to learn and grow— lies at the heart of self-determination and leads to more enduring satisfaction. •
Julie Stevens is a parent, former school psychologist, and former independent school teacher. She has written numerous articles on parenting and moral growth that can be found on csee. org.
CSEE Connections Summer 2025 Page 37